Julie's Journey

New blog

2011-11-18T07:31:00.003-07:00

I finally got my bypass date. I have started a new blog at canigetthattogoplease.blogspot.com Please feel free to check it out and join me for the next part of my weight loss journey.

Still waiting......

2011-09-03T10:18:00.002-06:00

This waiting crap is getting annoying. The way I figure, I will not even be getting a call from the insurance company until December, at the earliest.

My stomach is really bothering me the last couple of days. It's funny... I will few days when I feel just fine, no pain, nausea, gas... nothing. Then all of a sudden it is like I am hit by the proverbial bus. I was feeling fine the other day, then all of a sudden my right arm started hurting (which is unusual, it is usually my left) Then a few hours later my left started (guess I should be careful what I ask for) Then the stomach-ish pain starts (the one that feels like a fist in my chest). Grrrr..... why didn't I just wait the 6 months required by my insurance company and have a bypass in the first place???? Three frickin wasted years.

Ah well. Such is life.

Later...

Been angry lately

2011-08-22T15:04:00.002-06:00

I am just pissed off at life right now. My knee hurts and I am STILL waiting for the insurance to come through for my bypass. I know it is going to take at least another 4 months (best case scenario) but it just gets me so angry I have to go through this. I HAD my surgery, I DID the program. I was doing well. I should be having plastic surgery, not be waiting on a seemingly endless waiting list for a bypass. I am so frustrated that that idiot that maimed me is off in another state probably doing the same thing to other people.

I had a girl write me and ask me my opinion of him. What I really, trully wanted to say was "RUN!!!!!" and tell her not ot let him anywhere near her with a scalpel. Instead I kind of soft soaped it and hinted around that she probably wanted to find a different doctor. I guess I was afraid of getting sued. Stupid. I would not have told her anything that wasn't true. I would have told her I almost died because he didn't take care of me post surgically. I would have told her I was pretty sure he was high when I went for my one week post surgical appointment. I would tell her this is the reason I felt that I needed emergency surgery and came so close to sepsis that I could easily have died. I would tell her that I blame him for my erosion. I know this is a possible complication. But really..... 2 patients of his????? (that I know of) This is such a fairly uncommon complication, and to have 2 patients within a couple of months?? Coincidince? I think not.

I am still having gastric issues (chest pain and left arm pain and numbness after eating... and we won't EVEN get into the horrific belching from all that rotting food just sitting down there). Not that this is stopping me, of course. I have gained back almost 30 pounds!!!!

I am so angry. At myself, at fate, at life, at the insurance company, and at that asshole who did the original lapband surgery.

I could just explode.

Later...

Today's thought

2011-08-09T19:23:00.000-06:00

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Long time no talk...again

2011-08-03T15:21:00.002-06:00

Hi folks. Sorry it's been so long since my last post. Had my knee replaced 4 weeks ago tomorrow. Still NOT glad I did it!!! They say it takes about three months to be happy you'd done it. Guess I have another 2 months to go!!! It is getting easier and a bit less painful every day. Having said that--- it still hurts, a lot.

Had a moment of sweating in pre op when the nurse plugged my weight into the hospital computer thingy, turned to me and said "Um, have you gained weight recently? The computer is showing you up 17%" I thought, "Oh CRAP, there goes my surgery". I guess they didn't say anyhting to the surgeon, cuz the surgery went on as planned.

Unfortunetely,I am up in weight. My all time low was 113 pounds lost. I am now at 86 pounds lost. It sucks, but could be worse, I guess.

Still waiting for the insurance company to come through, I'm figuring it's gonna be at least another 2-3 months for that ;(

My husband might get a job back in Michigan. My biggest fear is that he gets the job and I have to start all over with another insurance (Kaiser is not in MI) and they give me a big hassle/make me do a 6 months diet or flat out refuse to pay for the surgery. This job would still be with the same company (AT&T) but the first insurance we had with them when we got here was BCBS of IL, and they are the ones who gave me such a hassle. Why is it that all of my friends can just walk into a surgeons office, say they want to have weight loss surgery and get it???? It's just not fair. Yes, I will take a bit of cheese with that whine ;0

Well, that's my update... hope everyone is doing well.

Hanging in

2011-06-20T15:44:00.002-06:00

Been awhile since I posted. Sorry.

Kayleigh and I went to Michigan for a couple of weeks. The trip was OK, though I gained a LOT of weight. How the HELL can anyone gain 21 pounds in 17 days??? I know a bunch of it was water weight, and my usual, quickly lost, MI weight gain. I actually lost 11 pounds the first 3 days back. But that still leaves an 10 extra pounds!!!

I am stressing because I have my pre op appointment for my knee replacement in 3 days. I am concerned that with my recent weight gain (it will be around 20 pounds since I saw the surgeon) that he will refuse to do my surgery at this time. I know that with knee replacements they are very picky about weight/weight gain.

Still waiting to hear from the insurance company.... again. The nurse in charge of bariatrics there had told me she would call me "next Tuesday".. when I hadn't heard from her by Friday I started calling and sending emails. I heard from her the next Wednesday. She told me the surgeon (the exact same one who said I should have surgery sooner, and that he would request it) told her that in his opinion I did not need to be expedited, which means I will have to wait my turn. She told me she would get ahold of the gastro doctor and see if her opinion on this differed. She would "call me back" This was almost 2 weeks ago. I did send a email to the gastro doctor letting her know Natalie (the nurse) would be in touch with her. Never heard back from her either.

So, as things stand right now, I am having my knee replaced July 7 (assuming the surgeon does not refuse to do it) and I will probably be up for a bypass sometime early next year!!!

Tired of pain and misery.

I'll post after my appointment on Thursday.

Later...

irritated

2011-05-25T19:12:00.002-06:00

Well, called the surgeon's office this morning. I was told I need to call the scheduler at Kaiser. So.... I call her, she is in the weight management department. Left a message, she just called back. Turns out I am NOT approved for surgery. I am approved to go see the surgeon. WTF????????? I just saw him 3 weeks ago. Now I have to talk to the head nurse of the weight management department on a phone consult Friday morning.

Unbelievable......

This was the first line form the letter I recieved:

Kaiser Permanente has authorized the service(s) that have been requested by your health care provider. Your authorization has been sent to the provider listed below. Please call this provider to make an appointment.

All that jsut for a consult???? Which, by the way, THEY set up for me 3 weeks ago.

He TOLD me he was going to suggest I have the surgery soon to help cure this painful medical condition.

I HATE insurance. Grrrrrrrrr

Later...

Good News....

2011-05-24T20:35:00.003-06:00

Got a letter from the insurance company today. They have authorized my surgery!!!! I have been waiting and waiting for a call. I did not expect to get a letter. I need to call the surgeons office tomorrow to book my date. I also am going to call the insurance company and make sure they are not going to require the 6 weeks of classes. Really, there is no reason.... one of the things they do in the class is go over the different surgeries available. I don't need that, since I don't have any choice on surgery. Also..... can they really teach me anything that I don't already know after living the life for 2 1/2 years???

I am so happy.

Will post tomorrow after I talk to the surgeons office.

Later...

So far so OK

2011-05-14T20:02:00.002-06:00

Well.... I went to the surgeon on Wednesday. We talked about the different surgeries available. He told me he doesn't think I should get another band (had no intention on doing that!), He said with the GP a sleeve is out, since the smaller stomach would never empty. A duodenal switch is also out, since that also has a sleeve like stomach. The only surgery that is left as an option is a bypass. Duh.... big surprise, since that's what I went in to talk to him about!!!!

He said he can't guarantee that the bypass is even going to help with the stomach emptying issue. In theory it should, since when they re-route your intestines to your stomach they do all the work. They should be what pulls the food out of my poor defective stomach.

He was sure to tell me 3-4 times that he could not guarantee it would solve anything. I told him the same 3-4 times I am willing to take that chance. After all, it can't make the problem too much worse!!!

He told me he is going to go ahead and put a request in to the insurance company for me. He warned me that most likely nothing will happen quickly. He reminded me the insurance company is a big entity and he is just a small cog in the wheel. He also told me they are going to make me take the 6 week pre surgery class. I know if I was having this done for weight loss I would have to take the class, but this is more for medical reasons. Besides, I lived the life for 2 1/2 years. I am pretty sure there is very little to nothing I can learn from a class. Not to mention, I would never deliberately scare someone, but I'm pretty sure they lump all the surgical candidates together, regardless of their chosen procedure. I'm sure hearing of my problems would scare the heck out of anyone contemplating a band.

I have a knee replacement surgery scheduled for july 19. Not sure what to do. The surgeon told me not to cancel anything yet. Most likely I will still be waiting for insurance approval at that time and go through with the knee. It's all so confusing.......

Guess that's it for now. Later...

Moving (hopefully) in the right direction.

2011-05-08T17:31:00.002-06:00

Well, had my upper GI and upper endoscopy. No suprises in either of those. The endo doctor told me she would "Call Dr Chae" (the one who removed my band), and call me that week. No call. At the end of the week I sent her this email:

****************************************************************

I was just wondering if you ever got in touch with Dr Chae and what our next step is.

I have been using the Mirilax as you suggested, and it is not making any difference to the pain and discomfort.

*****************************************************************

These are our next few messages (the next week):

To: Julie
Subject: (No subject)

I have sent a message to weight management to see if you could get a follow up appointment with Dr. Chae
_________

To: ELIZABETH SOFIAN-CONLAN, MD
Subject: RE:(No subject)

Sorry to be a pain, but just wondering if you specifically suggested that I need surgery or have just requested I see Dr Chae again?

_______________

To:
Julie
From:
ELIZABETH SOFIAN-CONLAN, MD

Received:
05/02/2011 2:22 PM

I am going to try to get an appointment for you to speak with him in the office and talk about surgery at that time

*****************************************************************

Wish she had been a bit more clear. Did she tell them I needed surgery? Did she just ask for a referral to see him as a follow up to the last surgery???

Anyway. Was giving up hope when I did not hear from the insurance company. But, finally they called. I talked to the nurse at weight management. She asked lots of questions. She asked if I had had this pain since the band removal. She was quite taken aback when I told her I had it since November!!!!!

I also told her I had not been eating or drinking (it's hard to do that when you know what is coming) She was very insitent that I at least drink enough to be able to urinate 4-5 times a day. She also told me I should get in to see Dr Chae ASAP. I called and have an appointment for this Wednesday at noon. I truly do not know where things are going to go from there. Dr Chae and I had discussed the fact that a bypass is the only thing that "cures" gastroparesis the first time I saw him. He also told me that physically he would be able to do a bypass in 3-4 months. So.... not sure how this is going to go with the insurance company. Hoping Dr Sofian has already advised them this is something I need for medical reasons, and they will OK it.

Think good thoughts for me and I will post on Wednesday when things are (hopefully) clearer.

Later...

talked to a friend

2011-04-28T19:02:00.002-06:00

Talked to a friend who had been banded by the same doctor a couple of months before me. Imagine my suprise when she told me she lost her band to an erosion too.

Hmmmmm. Just a coincidence?? I think not.

I have been saying since my erosion that it was caused by the surgeon who did it. Everyone just told me, "Julie, it is a known complication of band surgery." And yes, it is a possible complication. A very rare one. For 2 people from the same surgeon to erode?? No conincidence there.

And to top it off, I looked online and he is still performing surgery in another state. Wonder how many more people he has maimed since he left???

Update on gastro appointment

2011-04-20T05:33:00.002-06:00

Well, I saw the doctor today. I really like her!!! We both read my surgical report from my band removal. Turns out the entire band was in the stomach. It was also turning black!!!! (from the stoamch acids)

The report also said I have a LOT of large adhesions. She told me she wants me to have a upper GI and an endoscopy to see what is going on with both the inside and outside of my stomach. She is then going to talk to the surgeon who did the removal and get his opinion. She is pretty sure that between the adhesions and the gastroparesis she should be able to get me approved for the bypass in a very short time due to medical issues, as opposed to just as a treatment for obesity. Yayyyyyy

I called the departemnt that does the GI's and was told their first open appointment was May 17!!! Are ya freaking kidding me????? I was still at the medical center and went right back to her office and asked to speak to her. She wrote the order as rule out obstruction and the test must be done within a week. She had her office girls make a call and my test is this Friday!!! Then Monday I see her for the upper endoscopy. Oh joy, I just love having to get an IV put in. NOT. I am a really hard stick. The last time she did this test it took 4 people a total of 8 tries to get it started. But I guess ya gotta do what ya gotta do....

I am kind of excited and hoping this works out and I can have the bypass much sooner than anticipated.

More later....

Approved

2011-04-16T11:11:00.002-06:00

I got my approval letter a couple days ago for surgery. Of course, it is probably going to take 9-10 months until I am "up to bat."

I am seeing the same gastro doctor who diagnosed my erosion on Tuesday. I am hoping she will call and request I have surgery a LOT sooner due to a medical issue. I am kind of upset I had the band removed. I did not have the symptoms associated with an erosion: loss of restriction (I still had plenty) and port infections (nope, none there, either). If I hadn't seen the pictures of the erosion with my own 4 eyes, I wouldn't believe it. I still have the same original pain, plus the added "fun" of the left shoulder/neck/arm pain.

By the way, thank you to everyone who gave me feedback on this pain. I did go to my PCP and she ordered a stress test. It was fine, even the cardiologist administering it agreed with me that it was my stomach, not my heart. I also googled it, and left sided pain is not unheard of with gastroparesis.

So.... now I am bandless, waiting for a bypass, fighting my food addiction every day, and still in pain . Sorry for the little whine there... maybe I should go get myself some cheese????

I'll update after seeing the doctor on Tuesday.

Later.....

Confession time....

2011-04-03T05:35:00.002-06:00

I have been completely out of control. I was so proud... the first 5 weeks after my surgery I only gained 3 pounds. I am now up 11!!!! I am so unhappy about this. But, I know I only have myself to blame. I really have not been eating too much, it's been what I have been eating. Candy, cupcakes, basically anything bad for me.

I did go to my PCP. She agrees with me that my left arm/neck/shoulder pain is probably from my stomach, but she still wants me to have a stress test. I am going this Thursday for one. I also made an appointment with the gastroenterologist. I am seeing her in 2 weeks. I am hoping she will be able to order a test that will confirm my gastroparesis, then she will be willing to go to bat for me and suggest a gastric bypass as a cure fr it. I did manage to get my paperwork request in.... but I have not been OK'd yet. And I am so afraid of how much I will gain by the time I get to the top of the list in 9 or 10 months.

Why can't I keep myself under control??????

I can't believe what a weak willed person I really am. Jeez. Get over yourself, Julie.

PAIN

2011-03-11T00:27:00.002-07:00

Well, the pain I mentioned in my last post (that I thought was from exercise) has gotten MUCH worse. Now it seems that eating is causing it. Up to 6 hours after I eat, especially if I get stuck (which is happening a lot, my restriction seems to be even more than when I had my band) I start getting this pain. It runs across my left shoulder blade and all the way down my left arm to my fingers. Then for a little added "fun" it also hurts down the left side of my neck!!!

This pain is excruciating. All I can do is take something for the pain and go in and lay down. I just lay there and whimper like an injured dog.

I just don't know what is causing this pain. I don't know if it's pain from the surgery, or the gastroparesis causing it. It does seem to be worse after I eat, so it's possible that this is all being caused by an over filled stomach.

I have not been to the doctor for this yet, since I know what they will say. "It could be caused by the surgery, and you have to give your stomach time to heal still" I am going to make an appointment with my PCP soon, since the surgeon told me to go to her in about a month for a blood test to make sure I still don't have any sort of infection.

I'm just tired of being miserable...

Challenged

2011-03-05T04:43:00.002-07:00

Still feeling rather challenged food wise. I am only able to eat 1 time a day (I might be able to sneak a second small amount in if lucky) I am having quite a bit of pain and restriction. I am so full all the time, I am not getting any where near the water I need. Here in Colorado it is really dry so I should be getting minimmum 4 bottles of water. I rarely have room for 1, let alone 4!!!!

So..... why is my weight up?????

Started exercising more, mainly upper body, due to the bad knee problems. Now, on top of the fact that I feel like I could be sick any moment from the over filled stomach I am in a lot of pain in my back and left arm.

What's a girl gotta do around here to lose a few pounds???????

Got rid of the drain

2011-03-01T02:35:00.002-07:00

... And is that a relief ;)

I am still on soups and such, though I have started on a bit more solid foods. Had some pizza on Sunday and a deli sandwich yesterday. I seem to have some restriction, though it is hard to tell completely at his point.

I am still not able to lift anything more than 20 pounds. I am very excited about being able to exercise more. I am starting on working my upper body. My left knee is so bad, I am seeing a surgeon in a month to see about a replacement. Not sure if they will be willing to do it or not. I am a bit too young at this point, also not at an optimal size. Kind if in that catch 22 of "Too big for surgery, but not able to lose weight due to pain and mobility issues with this knee"

I am still planning on putting in an application for a bypass. My weight is just a bit too low still. Today my BMI was 39.9. It needs to be at least a 40. I will be weighed again next week. Hopefully......

What kind of bizarre crazy world am I in now that I have to gain weight just to apply for a surgery???? Unbelievable.

Hanging in and hoping for restriciton.....

It's done

2011-02-14T20:02:00.003-07:00

Well, the surgery was last week. It went well. The surgeon said there were no surprises, there was hole in my stomach about the size of a quarter as well as a a lot of scar tissue. He sewed the hole and cleaned up as much scar tissue as he could. They had me on heavy duty pain killers and one of those self administration buttons. I pushed it a lot.

They kept me on antibiotics all night and the doctor said I may be abe to go home the next day. I started getting really dizzy and nauseous from the pain meds I backed off on pushing the button. The second day they put me on a bariatric clear diet. That really sucked. How cruel... someone loses their band and you bring them 2 swallows of chicken bouillon and 3 small squares of diet jello????

Anyway, the next day they did not let me go because I was not drinking enough. They let me go home the next day, Ron picked me up around 9:30 AM.

Got home and went to bed. Within a couple hours I started feeling like I might be running a fever. I had to send Ron out to buy a new thermometer since our dog ate my new $12.00 thermometer. Wouldn't ya know, 102.5. Shit.

Called the surgeon and left a message. He didn't call right back. Called Kaiser, and spoke to the answering service, they said someone would call back. They didn't. Called the surgeon again. In the mean time I was talking to one of my friends, knowing it is 8:00 at night and I need to do something with Kayleigh. Called the surgeon again. Decided we were just going to go to the E.R. Then the surgeon called. Asking me about when I took my pain meds. He told me to just take my pain meds and come to the hospital the next day of I was still running a temp. I told him I didn't think I should wait, so he suggested that I go in then. Took Kayleigh to my friends for the night and headed for a different hospital.

Had to wait awhile to be seen. They started an I.V. and gave me some nasty contrast to drink so I could go for a CT scan. When for the scanned, of course, I had a seroma )a pocket of fluid) around the drain. I did expect this, though it is usually after 3-4 weeks, not 3 days!!!!

They admitted me and put me on I.V. antibiotics. I got to my room around 1:30 AM. A house doctor came in and woke me up around 3:30. I was so dizzy and nauseous. I started getting scared. I started thinking "maybe this is it" it was quite disturbing and scary. I was in there for 3 more days. I was kept "comfortable" on I.V. dilaudid. The surgeon thought I might have a leak, so they sent me down for a swallow test. Luckily I did not. I was so miserable in there, and wanted so to go home. When the staff doctor came in on Sunday and asked if I was ready to go I was like "Hell, yeah!"

So.... Now I am on home with a drainage tube, 2 antibiotics and 2 pain killers.

The surgeon told me that my stomach may be "deformed" from all the scar tissue and if that is the case he can go in in about 6 months or so and open up the stricture in there. My though was "Heck, if it is acting like a band, why the heck would I want to get it stretched?"

I am on liquids for the next 2-3 weeks still, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

leaving in an hour

2011-02-08T10:29:00.002-07:00

.... wouldn't want to be late to the worst thing that has happened to me in a while.

It's 10:30 now, leaving about 11:30 to the hospital. My surgery is at 3 PM, but have to be there by 1. We had crappy weather and lots of snow last night so we are leaving early.

Really stressing. Even though I know it needs to come out, I so don't want this surgery.

I already have a small case of gastroparesis. It can be a debilitating disease. People end up having to get feeding tubes put in for this. I am actually hoping it gets worse for me. I know this sounds terrible, and anyone afflicted with this would think I am incredibly crazy and just plain stupid for saying this.

But....

Even though it would (probably) make me incredibly miserable (as I know from the fairly small case I already have), it would keep me from eating too much and "finding" my lost weight.

The one surgical cure for it is bypass. Perhaps if I could get in sooner than 9 months for a bypass if it was "medically necessary".

I may just be suffering with a case of panic right now. No sane person wishes a painful, miserable condition on themself.

Just scared...

very sad

2011-01-28T16:22:00.002-07:00

Well.... the results are in. They are NOT good. I have a bad erosion. I am losing my band and am very stressed about it. I am so afraid I will gain all this weight back .

I tried to talk the surgeon into converting me to something else while he's taking the band out, but he just insists that it is too dangerous. I spent most of yesterday crying.

I talked to the woman from Kaiser today about a bypass. She is going to send me an application. She told me not to send it back right away, because she doesn't want me to be denied due to too low BMI. Imagine.... me?? Too Low BMI???? Never thought I would hear those words. Hmmmmmmm... still too fat to be "normal" but not fat enough for surgery?? What a crappy place to be.

She told me their waiting list is about 9 months!!!! I guess that's not too bad since my stomach will mmost likely not be completely healed for 6 months or so (they say between 3-6...but knowing me it will be the full 6)

I am really truly hoping that I won't even need the surgery. I have learned some good habits in the past 2 1/2 years. I will just have to be dilligent about practicing them.

One of the things I am even more upset about is the plastic surgery. I was so planning it. Now I don't know when it will be. I am thinking I will give myself the 6 months, and as long as I have not gained weight (please, oh please let me not gain weight) I will look at going ahead and doing it. After all, I was planning on having it at the size I am now anyway, and I only planned on losing, at most, another 20 pounds or so. So...... as long as I can stay even I should be good to go.

The surgery is, as far as I know, going to be Feb 7th. I will be in the hospital for at least 2 days. Evidently most people who have this surgery end up with an abccess, so I will be on I.V. antibiotics for a couple of days. Oh Goody. At least the surgery will be done laproscopically.

Don't know if this is going to cure my gastroparesis. My guess is probably not (though I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV ) In a weird, rather twisted way I am kinda sorta hoping it does not get better. It hurts to eat. I will not gain weight if it hurts to eat, right? Gee.... the girl will do anything to lose weight.....

I'll update after I talk to the surgeon.

Later...

STRESSED

2011-01-27T00:47:00.002-07:00

I finally got into the gastroenterologist, it took me 3 weeks to get an appointment, while I was steadily geting worse each day. I have gotten to the point that I am barely eating/drinking for the pain. Now I am so weak I can barely stand for more that a minute or two at a time.

I figured they were going to jerk me around... "Here, try this med and come back in a month" type of thing. But she was like "I can get you in tomorrow for an endoscopy" This would have been at the local hospital but admitting was already closed for the day, so we made an appointment for tomorrow at 11 AM at the Kaiser office downtown.

She will be looking for an ulcer or stricture, though she told me she doubts it is either of these things. I told her of my weight gain fears without a band and asked her if I truly have gastroparesis (basically your stomach muscles aren't working to push the food through... it just sits there and rots) if a bypass would fix it (that seems to be one of the few things that works for people).

She told me that if she doesnt find anything tomorrow she is going to call Natalie (the head of bariatrics) and suggest she refers me to Dr Metz for exploratory surgery and a bypass. She said she feels that this is being caused by something structural, and I will definetely have to have exploratory surgery, so they "might as well do a bypass while they are in there".

I am reallly freaked out about needing X surgery. And if I can't have a band I will take the bypass.

Now I'm stressing thinking that Kaiser will not want to pay for the bypass, since they tend to have a lot of hoops to jump through before they will pay for bariatrics. I am hoping that they will not deny this since:

1). This would be done to alleviate a very real, dangerous stomach condition. And,

2). I have "proven" myself and my commitment already by losing 113 pounds with the band.

Of course, now (for the first time in probably 20 years) I am under a 40 BMI. This may come into play also.

I didn't elect for bypass in the first place because of the risks and more danger associated with it.... but I guess the risks of ballooning up to over 350 pounds are pretty high too.

Figures..... I decided on who I was going to go to for my PS, and to have my boobs done too. Now this is most likely going to be put on the back burner for quite awhile.

Best case scenario: She finds an ulcer, and I am all better after 6 weeks of meds. I can get my band refilled and have my lower body lift.

Second best case scenario: Kaiser pays for a bypass, I quickly lose even more weight, and look even better after my LBL.

The last scenario: Kaiser refuses to authorize the bypass. Dr Metz removes the band and I see how much it would cost for me to pay cash for a sleeve while he's in there. There goes my plastics money..... OR ..... I go to Mexico for a sleeve or the new sleeve plication. Again, bye bye plastic surgery .

I'll post when I know more.

Later...

Todays thought

2011-01-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

Act as if you were already happy and that will tend to make you happy. -Dale Carnegie

Plastic surgery, still not feeling well, another NSV

2011-01-21T14:52:00.002-07:00

As I said before, I have been "interviewing" plastic surgeons. I am done. I have decided on who I want to go with. He is the third guy I saw. I saw one after him who was quite negative and refused to operate on me. He told me I need to get down to a BMI of 30 (I'm at 37) before he would even think about doing surgery on me. He told me that at my "Still very large size" there would be too much chance of healing problems. Getting own to a BMI of 30 would mean about 30 pounds loss. He wasn't too thrilled with my reasoning that if you remove 30 pounds during surgery I will be right there!!!

To be honest, even if he was willing I would not have gone with him. The main reason for this is that they strongly recommend either a night or two in a recovery center or a private nurse. The center they use is the one pretty much all the surgeons in the area use. It looks nice, but it is a good 25 miles from his office/surgical center. The recovery center supplies transport, so after being cut and sewn up all the way around they put you in a vehicle and take you to the center. The next day they take you back to the doctor, as well as the day after this, if needed. This is a lot of getting in and out of a vehicle with all these stiches (not to mention a whole lot of pain, I'm sure) in my opinion. I would rather not do this. I feel all this moving is just more chance to pop stitches.

The surgeon I have decided on is Dr Murphy. I saw him for the second time a couple days ago. He answered all my questions He seems very knowlegable and confident in my results.

He said I am NOT too heavy. Basically what he said is the only areas I am bigger are the ones he will be removing. Also, since I will be staying in the hospital his office is attached to I will be taken by gurney to my room. He will come visit me for follow up (he also comes to his patients at the aforementioned recovery center, as opposed to making them come to him) I like this.

I talked to him about doing a boob lift at the same time. I was on the fence about having them done, or doing a upper body lift later on. A upper body lift comprises the breast lift and your arms. I do want to get my arms done (as well as my inner thighs, later on) but decided it would be more adventageous to me at this time to pay the little bit more (it adds about 3K) instead of waiting and paying 10K later on. Maybe when it's time I can work out a deal for my upper thighs and arms!!!

Now, of course, I still am not able to schedule it becasue I am still having stomach issues. I ended up going to the ER a week ago for the stomach pain. They called my band surgeon, Dr Metz. Now, we just joined a diferent insurance carrier. We just started with Kaiser Permante. I had made an appointment to see a gastroenterologist, but it is taking me 3 weeks to get in!!! Dr Metz called me a couple days ago and told me he just joined up with Kaiser and I should see if I could get a referral to see him. I am now working on this. Dr Metz says I have something called gastroparesis, which basically just means your stomach is not emptying properly due to lessened muscular contractions. He says my band may be causing this. He says it may be pressing on the vagus nerve. He says we may have to remove my band. I say NO FRICKIN WAY. This is not even a consideration..... unless I can get something to replace it. I would be willing to have a vertical gastric sleeve done. But I am not, let me repeat this NOT going to have my band removed and be left out to dry. I know I would gain all this weight back. I need the tool. I can't even stand the thought of all this I've been through the last 3 years or so being a waste.

Not to mention, people who have never had any sort of abdominal surgery can get this too. There is no guarantee that removing the band would even cure the problem.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see how this whole thing plays out.

Now... on to another NSV.

My friend and I took our daughters to the stock show here in Denver. They had a "super dogs" show. It was in the colisseum. I was sitting in my seat and actually thought the arm rest was up between out seats since I didn't feel it sticking into me. Imagine my suprise when I looked down and ralized the arm rest was, in fact down!!! What a pleasant suprise. I honestly can't remember the last time I had enough room in a seat.

my latest NSV

2011-01-12T04:01:00.003-07:00

For those not "up on the lingo" (and you know who you are, Sheila... ;) NSV means non scale victory.

K and I went with my friend and her daughter to a sports complex this past Sunday. There were bumper cars there, and the sign said weight limit 275. I am way under that, so I went on!!!! It was a lot of fun, once I got into the car. I am having major issues with my left knee (guess carrying way too much weight for nearly 40 years will do that to ya). But, I must say it was worth the struggle to get on. It was so much fun, not to mention how good it felt to be able to do something "normal", something someone non obese would not think twice about doing.

Still "interviewing" plastic surgeons. I am getting excited about this, though a bit anxious and uneasy when I think about the pain.

Made a appointment with a gastroenterologist (earliest I could get in is 2 weeks). I am hoping that if my stomach is not completely better by then that they can figure out what is wrong.

I WANT MY FILL BACK!!!!!!

How to lose 8 sizes in 6 hours

2011-01-06T16:39:00.002-07:00

I am planning on plastic surgery!!!

I have the $$$ for it, just need to working out the logistics of aftercare.

I have been looking at my options for a coup;e of months. I have otten 4 quotes so far.

1) A surgeon in the area. He wanted to do surgery "in stages" The first stage would be a paniculectomy (for those who do not know what that is, it is just basically removing the apron, or hanging down, stomach skin. His charge for this was over $12,000. (this would be after having someone completely different repair my hernia.) The next stage would be either a tummy tuck ($17,000) or a lower body lift ($32,000+). Are ya freakin kidding me?? I was so upset I cried for a couple of days.

2) A surgeon in Mexico. A friend of mine here went to this guy, and had great results and nothing but good to say about him. I sent him pictures and he also wanted to do the panniculectomy. His quote was a much more reasonable $5,500. This would require 13 days spent in MX (included in the price) and someone else doing the hernia repair beforehand.

3) Another guy here in town. He said he could do a tummy tuck on me, no problem. Then he recommended a lower body lift. This would basically take care off the huge, hanging down skin on my stomach as well as the loose skin on my backside. He has worked with many band patients, and told me he could get a low profile port for me and oput it in during the surgery. His price was $10,000 for the TT and $17,500 for the LBL. This included repair of any hernias he might find. I asked him if I should lose any more weight first, and he told me I really don't need to. He said I have no extra flesh on my upper abdomen. (and he's right).

4) One more guy here in town. He quoted me $19,500 for a lower body lift. This includes 2 nights in the hopital, as well as a piece of mesh for the hernia repair taht he may or may not have to use. When he first came into the room to talk to me I was sitting down. He asked me how much more weight I wanted to lose (about 40-50 pounds) He told me I probably wanted to lose the weight first before surgery. We then walked into an exam room. When we got into the room he told me "You do not have to lose any more weight right now, you are a good candidate and will have great results". This made me feel much better.

He is figuring this will bring me down to about a size 10. I have not been a size ten since I was 8 or so!!!!

I may talk to a few more surgeons, then make a decision on who to go with.

I am so excited.

6 weeks with an empty band

2011-01-03T19:41:00.002-07:00

Well.... a bit over 6 weeks ago I started having a LOT of pain. It felt like when I first got my band, a sort of building pressure/pain that went up from the center of my chest all the way up to my ears. It got worse and worse. After about 4 days I called my surgeon and talked to his PA (it was Thanksgiving week and the Dr was not in) She told me to come in and she would completely unfil me. I was, to say the least, not happy. We were heading to MI in a couple of days, and I sure didn't want to go with an empty band.

I immediately felt some relief, though still quite painful.

I went to a support group for a different surgeon here in Denver that night. The pain started to get worse again so I called my husband and told him I was going to the ER there at that hospital. They did a CT scan and told me my stomach was distended. They called the surgeon who works out of that hospital, and he said it sounded like a possible ulcer and I should be able to go home that night, and he would see me the next day.

I went to Dr Snyder (the one they called) the next afternoon and he went to his office to look at my scan. He came back in to the room and said "Your stomach is HUGE" He said it was the size of a football (and the normal stomach is about the size of a fist) He said I should not get a fill until I was feeling better. He gave me some meds and told me to come back in 3 weeks. Hr also ordered a Upper G.I. I was sent right over for that and the radiologist told me my stomach was emptying VERY slowly.

Nothing was done to figure out why.

The good thing was that there seemed to be no problems with the band (yayyyyy)

So, I went to MI with my band empty. I gained my usual 8 pounds while there. I have been back 3 weeks and am back down to my pre problem weight.

I am still having problems (pain/nausea) when I eat, though not quite as much. I have a whole lot of restriction. Not sure if it's the stomach issue or the band, empty or not. Yesterday I ate a small piece of bread and took a gulp of O.J. I though I was going to D.I.E. I couldn't believe the pain. I threw up quite a bit after this. I have had a couple other bouts of getting stuck, but nothing like this since my unfill.

So now I am just waiting for the issue to be resolved so I can have my fill back.

Hopefully soon....

Been exercising

2010-11-15T19:02:00.002-07:00

Now that I know there is a chance for me to have mhy much needed plastic surgery I have gotten a second wind in this whole journey.

I am exercising every day (so far 3 days in a row!! LOL) I have been using my treadmill. I also bought a exercise ball.

I am drinking my water.. or trying to drink all my water.

I have been eating more. Trying to get in my full 1200 calories a day.

I'm still waiting to hear from the plastic surgeon in Mexico. I am leaning more towards having it done here in CO due to the fact I am concerned about complications and the chance our new insurance company (Kaiser Permanente) will not cover them. I am hoping the price here will come in affordable.

I will be soooooo upset if this does not work out.

2010-11-13T16:10:00.002-07:00

Hi all...

I have been getting some requests for new pics, so TADA....here they are.

As you can tell I am still quite huge in the belly, I just don't seem to be losing there at all.

I have come into a bit of money (nothing major).

I am looking into plastic surgery. I went to a surgeon the other day. I was very upset about what he told me. I want a tummy tuck. He wants to do surgery in "stages". A panniulectomy (just surgically remvoving the panus, or "apron") first. For this he charges almost 12K. Then.... (after I get to my goal weight) either a tummy tuck (17K+) or a lower body lift (over 31K). I kept telling him "But I don't have unlimited money, why can't you do a tummy tuck??" I told him I understand it would not be "perfect" and that I may need another tummy tuck down the line (upon losing more weight). He insisted, though that we need to start with the panni. I have been looking at pictures after this surgery, and I find them scary and disturbing. It is definetly NOT what I want.

Though, even with this small step I would feel better about myslf, as long as I was wearing clothes. Not so much looking in the mirror unclothed.

I am contemplating going to Mexico. The prices are much better. I am in touch with a surgeon right now. He needed pictures (SCAR-RY) to tell me if he can help me and what the price would be.

I also have a appointment here in the U.S. with a local surgeon. I am hoping his price is resonable.

That's about it for now, posting soon.

Later.....

stressed

2010-10-19T09:01:00.003-06:00

I am so frustrated.....

I can't get the new dog completely house trained. What the heck was I thinking????? I can't even get my almost 7 year old to stop peeing her bed at night!!! How did I think was gonna train a dog????????

Ron is on my back about it. Keeps threatening to build a dog house outside.

I'm getting too old for this crap

Later.....

Long time no post

2010-10-18T12:27:00.003-06:00

Sorry guys. It's been hectic around here, as usual. Went to Mi again. Gained 9 pounds. Lost that plus 5 more!!!!

My grandpa died Oct 9. Robert Smith 5-14-1917 - 10-09-2010. Rest in peace Gramps.

We finally got a d.o.g. Kayleigh has been wanting one for sooooo long. I have been trying to walk her every day. (the dog, not Kayleigh LOL).

Just basically hanging in. Not really losing much.... just up and down with that last 5 lost

I'll post new pics of me soon.

Later......

How funny.....

2010-08-28T17:25:00.002-06:00

It has been 2 years, 2 months and 2 days since my surgery. And today 100 pounds!!! That strikes me as kind of cool.... 2/2/2

Today's musing

2010-08-13T21:26:00.001-06:00

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Have a great weekend

Thursday's thought

2010-08-12T21:11:00.001-06:00

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Thought for today....

2010-08-10T21:32:00.001-06:00

To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it. -Confucius

Todays thought

2010-08-09T19:55:00.001-06:00

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

I'm bacckkkkk...

2010-07-07T00:37:00.002-06:00

Kayleigh and I went on a ittle vacation. We went to New Jersey for 8 days, then went to Michigan to visit my friends and family. I managed to only gain 8 pounds. Not too bad for 3 1/2 weeks and no dieting at all.

I hit my 2 year mark while I was gone. Still waiting for that pesky 100 pound weight loss.

I'll get there... sooner or later......

I'm hurt

2010-05-26T10:17:00.003-06:00

I managed to hurt myself yesterday (I knew that treadmill would win sooner or later) I was walking and decided to take a drink of my water. I don't know what happened... if I stepped on the edge or what... but before I knew it I was flying backwards off it.

You know how basements have posts that hold up the ceiling? Did I mention there is a post right at the end of my treadmil?? Yep.... You got it. I hit the post. And the chair next to it.... and the floor.

I'm not sure if I fell onto my back or not (it happened so quickly). I just know that I was choking on my water. I think I rolled over onto my stomach to try to get the water out. All I could think was "Oh great, I'm gonna choke to death. I knew exercise was gonna kill me"

Needless to say, I did not choke to death (though my throat is still sore from aspirating the water)

My main pain is in my tailbone. I hurt it about 15 years ago falling onto the bar on a boys bike. It hurt for months. Then about 6 years ago I was at the casino playing pai gow (a poker table game) the seats at this casino were quite high, and had no foot rests. I sat there for 7 hours straight (with maybe 2 potty breaks). I must have really irritated this area, because it was agonizing for the next 3 years!!!!

Well, lucky me. The pain is back. I cannot take years of this pain. It hurts to sit... and stand up from a sitting position... and step up onto anything.

So... all I have to say is "Fucking Meow". Anyone who is a George Carlin fan will understand that. Below is one of my many favorite G.C. clips. (and it explains what I mean.) Enjoy it......

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/70674

I'm obese!!!!

2010-04-28T10:06:00.001-06:00

My BMI has been catagorized as morbidly obese for years. Yesterday I dropped down to obese. Can't wait to get to overweight ;)))

My new favorite cook book

2010-04-27T18:53:00.002-06:00

I bought a cook book!!!! It is Hungry Girl 1-2-3. I love this book. I have tried quite a few recipes in the last week or so. I even made BBQ chicken broccoli slaw today..... and I don't like broccoli!!!!

One of my favorite recipes so far is the BBQ Chicken crock pot recipe. Even the hubby liked it!!! The broccoli slaw is pretty good too ;)

Later.....

If only it were true.......

2010-04-17T17:53:00.001-06:00

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Thought of the day

2010-04-14T16:55:00.002-06:00

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people died of natural causes.

Got a fill

2010-04-09T11:56:00.003-06:00

I went for a fill yesterday. I got .4cc's. I am a bit under 7 cc's now. I am hoping this kick starts my loss.

When I first weighed in the medical assisatant was like "Wow, you've lost 20 pounds since the last time you were here... that's great!" Then I found out that was last July!!!!!!

The surgeon I was seeing there is now gone, so I asked the other surgeon about fixing my hernia. He came in and checked it out. He asked me if I was going to want to have plastic surgery (I would... though not sure if it is ever going to happen) He told me he would suggest waiting until my weight has stabilized, since insurance does not pay for P.S. Usually the hospital will give you some sort of break on what you have to pay out of pocket for the plastics when you have an insurance covered procedure at the same time. This was the deal I worked out for the payment on my band surgery when I had the hernia repaired (the second time!!!)

He told me at the rate I am going he sees me getting down to 140-150 pounds. Are you kidding me????? It has taken me almost 2 years to get down almost 100 pounds. Another 100???? Unless I make some huge changes (mainly exercise) it is going to take me for-ev-er to lose another 100.

I told the nurse doing my fill about the remark Dr Metz made last time I saw him when I told him I was eating too few calories. He said "People in concentration camps ate less than that and lost weight" She was quite taken aback by this. I told her I found it VERY offensive. She agreed, and said she was so suprised he said this... especially since he is Orthodox. She apologized for this (though, of course, it was not her fault). I still find this offensive and disturbing every time I think about it.

I know when you are first banded you are told you need to listen to your body and your "soft stops". I have not been doing this. My big one is when I am full my nose runs a bit. I never listen to this stop. I am going to start listening to it. I don't care if I have only eaten 3 bites. I am going to put the fork down and walk away. This is going to be quite difficult for me, since I still really love eating.

I am hoping between this and the increased exercise I will start losing at a quicker pace.

Quote for the Day

2010-04-03T19:36:00.001-06:00

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back. -Arthur Rubinstein

Just call me Grace.....

2010-04-02T19:59:00.003-06:00

I saw a couple of moving sales where they had treadmills listed on Craigslist, and I decided to check them out today. The first one I went to I found a treadmill I wanted, but needed to wait for Ron to help me pick it up.

We went back to where it was (a town home a couple of miles from my house) It has about 3 steps leading up to the front door. Wouldn't you know, I fell. I managed to get a knot on my right knee, a bruise on my left shin, my right wrist and middle finger hurt, as well as one of the toes on my right foot (probably from when both shoes came off).

Figures..... going to pick up exercise equipment and I manage to fall

Ah well. I am looking forward to using my "new" equipment. It is nothing special, it is a Pro-form Crosswalk. It is not super fancy, but has the things I need... speed control and incline. I tried it out while there, and it works well. It was only $75. I would really like a new machine with all the bells and whistles, I would really like the one with Google Maps on it. Here is the info on it:

One of the most interesting features of iFit Live, that may just change the way we workout on treadmills, is the ability to Interact with Google Maps. You can select trails or roads on Google Maps and simulate running on them. Your treadmill will mimic the incline of the terrain. You can view your progress either with a street view, if available, or by the map or satellite view. For example, I am told you could run the Boston Marathon or the Great Wall of China.

How awesome. Maybe after the next money tree harvest......

I need to get motivated

2010-04-01T10:16:00.002-06:00

My motivation has gone to hell in a handbasket lately. It's not that I don't want to lose weight, it's just that I can't seem to find the motivation to do so.

I am still flirting with 90 pounds. I was as low as 94 pounds lost, but went back up to 90.

I just got back from visiting my family in MI. We spent time with my grandmother. It was quite bittersweet. My grandparents are both 92 years old, and grandpa is in a nursing home. I am pretty sure that was the last time I will see my grandmother. She has been suffering from kidney failure for awhile, but was told it has gotten worse while I was there. I realize I am very fortunate to have reach my age and still have a set of grandparents still alive. I have friends who's grandparents died when they were young, or even before they were born. To be closer to 50 than 40 and still have them is amazing.

I always gain quite a bit of weight while in MI. I have a bad habit of getting off the plane, coming home and weighing myself. OK, OK.... my name is Julie, and I am a scale addict. Anyway, I am usually up 12-15 pounds at this point. I struggle with my eating while I am there, my grandma just doesn't get it. For instance, when we first got there she told me she had not one, but 2 mud pies in the freezer. Now, I know I am an adult, and have the ability to say no, but I don't. I know the only one I will be hurting is myself, yet still I indulge while there. This last time I went with a Who Cares? attitude. I ate badly the whole time I was there. I had cakes, pies, ice cream, milk shakes, candy... all the things I never eat any other time (or extremely rarely... after all this is a life style here, not a diet). Anyway...... I do my usual post flight weigh in, and imagine my surprise when I am up 2.6 pounds!!!! Are you kidding me???? 2.6????? I was expecting 12.6, at the least. Now I wonder how I would have done had I been "good"?

Ah well.... that is spilled milkshake under the bridge.

So........

Here is my plan.

1) Get a fill. I am scheduled next Thursday at 4 PM.

2) Chart my food and exercise. This tends to keep most of us on track better.

3) Exercise!!! I am looking to buy a used treadmill. I would love a new one, but just don't have the 2 grand to drop on the one I would love to have.

4) Have Ron hide the scale. I am too focused on what it says (going back to the scale addiction thing). I have to trust that when I do things correctly, the weight will come off. I really need to cut back to one weigh in a week. Someone help me please...... I have a scale monkey on my back.

5) Keep up on this blog. I have slacked off in the last 2 years (Wow... I am almost at my 2 year mark!!!!) I love getting feedback, it makes me want to do better, as well as has some accountability to it.

So... this is my big plan, so far. I will be checking in at least once a week (though I would love to do more)

So, welcome to the continuation of my journey...........

I have a LOT of clothes

2010-02-16T16:22:00.002-07:00

We cleaned out Judy's room the other day. Kayleigh wanted to move into it, it has a bigger bed and TV. Most of her clothes went into a bag for Goodwill, though I kept a couple of things for myself (she was not a large woman.... but tended to buy 1X or 2X tops).

Kayleigh's room is now a play room/office. My hubby moved his rolltop desk into it, as well as putting up many sports posters (from the home town teams... Lions, Tigers and U of M)

I put all the clothes I have amassed in the last year or so (that I have had in boxes, bins and some hung up in the back of our walk in closet) in the closet in that room. I filled it up!!!! I have been given a lot of clothes by my band friends here in CO. Plus, if I see anything on clearance and really really cheap I pick it up.... figuring I will get in it sooner or later. I actually have a dozen bathing suits!!!!!

I am really enjoying buying all these new clothes. And that is really something coming from someone who used to HATE to shop. I know why. It is quite sad. The female parental unit's favorite place to abuse and torture... errr... take me shopping, was Sears. Nothing like being a young teen and having your mother standing with you in a Sears dressing room and yelling "If you weren't so damn FAT you would be able to find some clothes that fit" Not the best thing for the old self confidence. Ahhh well, I'm feeling much better now.

So now I have what I refer to as my "closet of dreams". I hope to be into those clothes before I know it.

Later....

It's over

2010-01-27T05:02:00.002-07:00

We got the call about 3 hours ago. my MIL has passed away. I really feel torn about this, she has been since a thorn in my side for so many years, yet I feel sad that she is gone.

All I can say is that her pain is over now.

Rest in peace, Judy.

been quite stressed

2010-01-22T10:56:00.002-07:00

Well..... let's see.

In the last 2 weeks my MIL has been put in hospice, my grandfather, grandmother, sister and mom have all been in the hospital, and my husband has had surgery, not to mention I have had to have Kayleigh at the E.R. for the ear infections from Hell. It has been quite crazy for me.

This all started about 2 weeks ago when Judy (the MIL) was calling for us at 3AM. She was too week to get off the toilet. I had to pretty much carry her back to bed. I offered to call 911 after that, but she said no. This in itself told me there was a major problem, since she has gone to the E.R. (by ambulance) every 6 moths or so for the past 6 years. She loved being admitted, they never found anything wrong..... except for that last visit where she was diagnosed with her lung cancer.

Anyway, the same morning this happened with Judy my grandma had the same type issue with my grandfather. She had to call 911 for him when he couldn't get off the toilet. He was admitted to the hospital with a "small case of pneumonia".

2 days later Judy decided she needed to go to the hospital. She said she couldn't get to the car, so I had to call 911. I followed her up there, she was in the E.R for a long time. They did an MRI of her brain and said she had 20-30 spots of cancer on her brain. They admitted her and said her oncologist would be up the next day.

Meanwhile...... 1,300 miles away........

My sister and my grandmother went to visit my grandpa at the hospital. They went out for dinner afterwards and within a couple of hours they were both sick. Sheila ended having to call 911 for them. She spent the night in the E.R. and grandma spent about 2 days in the hospital.

In the meantime the oncologist told Judy he would check into more brain radiation, but even with it she would only have 6-12 weeks. He ordered a MRI of her back/abdomen, since she was complaining she had been falling a lot and was having pain from that. They did the MRI and the cancer was everywhere.... the base of her brain, her spine, shoulders, pelvis, tailbone. He told her they could not treat it and she had about 2 weeks.

That same day I brought Ron home from the hospital after having a hernia repair (outpatient).
That night Kayleigh started crying hysterically about her ear hurting. I ended up taking her to the E.R (this was her 4th infection since November 3rd) She ended up getting 2 antibiotic shots, and I had to bring her back the next 2 nights for 2 more shots each day.

Judy went to hospice, where she was doing as well as could be expected.

A week after Kayleighs last shot she got another infection (by this time I had already taken her to the pediatric ENT..... she did not have an infection at this time) So, now she is on her 5th antibiotic in a little over 2 months. We have started over in the drugs she is taking.

My brother in law, Steve came to stay with us to spend some time with Judy, though she is so out of it now she does not even know anyone is here. They told us on Monday that she had 2-3 days left. It is Friday and she is still around.

Again..... across the country.....

My grandfather was sent to a nursing home. My sister and my cousin have been trading time staying with grandma. My sister took my mom to the pulmonologist yesterday for a bad bronchitis which wouldn't go away. They were sent directly to the E.R. and mom was admitted.

I just want to go home and see my family.

When Judy does go we are taking her back to Ohio for a showing and a funeral (her choice) this is going to cost us around $6,000. No one is going to help us, it will come right out of our pocket.

Judy just won't die. (please don't judge me for saying this... it is inevitable, she is in pain even though she is really drugged up. She will not get better, but is holding on.) I just want this whole thing to be over.

Feeling stressed........

Late night thoughts

2010-01-04T03:34:00.003-07:00

First off..... sorry I have been gone so long. It has been another Holiday Season and New Year, hope everyones was great. Kayleigh and I spent some time at my grandparents in Michigan last month, so I am still trying to lose the weight I gained there (about 14 pounds..... I have lost some of it..... still up 7 pounds over my lowest weight)

I have come to the sad, difficult realization that I have to start exercising. EVERY DAY. I need to do this if I want to lose any more weight (which I really, trully do) I have exercised on and off for the last year and a half (and done fairly well, weight loss wise) But it is time to get serious and get moving!!!!!

It is 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I am full of regrets.

I know we are all on the same boat, we are on this weight loss journey no matter how we got here. I just can't help feeling somewhat envious of the girls that gained weight later in life. They know what it is like to be "normal".

I have never been "normal" (whatever that is) I didn't date growing up. I didn't go to my homecoming dance, or my prom. I was never asked out to the movies or roller skating. I was the "fat girl". I was the "friend". I was the girl the guys wanted to be friends with, but never date. The one they would tell there innermost secrets to, but heaven forbid anyone think they were romantically linked in any way.

I was OK with this (well...as OK as you can be when your whole self image is being warped by other people) I really didn't mind it. I was the girl with the cute, perky, T-H-I-N sister all the guys had crushes on. I trully did not mind this. It was just a fact of life, like knowing that the sun was going to rise in the morning. I know this was not something that my sister sought out. I never blamed her, or resented her (and still don't) I knew my sister was the only one who unconditionally loved me. Not my parents, not my grandparents. Just Sheila.

There were many guys who befriended me, only to tell me soon after they had a crush on Sheila. There was one guy who was different (or so I thought at the time) I thought we were friends. I thought he liked me for me. I'll call him Steve.... Steve Kowalik (mainly because that is his real name...the jerk) Steve and I met through a mutual friend, Kelly. Steve and I were inseperable. We went bowling together 3 times a day, we went out to eat, we played board games, we talked on the phone constantly. I remember one day he called me so many times (and every time my phone rang I had to race through the house to my bedroom) that I half jokingly told him "the next time this phone rings it better not be you". After a while Steve told me he had a crush on my sister. I didn't mind, because he was my friend. He even dated one of Sheila's friends, that was OK too, because we were friends. I can honestly say I never saw him as anything more.

Obviously he did not see things the same way.

Flash forward 20 years. I hadn't seen Steve for ages. He kept in touch for a couple of years, calling me out of the blue occasionally. He had gotten married. We met up one day at karaoke and talked. It was nice to see an old friend. Then last year Kelly passed away. I decided to give Steve a call and let him know. I looked him up in the phone book, he was listed. There were a lot of people with the same name, but he and his wife each had a listing with the same phone number. I knew it was him. I gave him a call and introduced myself. I said "We haven't talked in years, this is Julie ******" His reply??? "Oh yeah, you're Sheila's sister and Kelly Brown's friend" WTF!!????? Sheila's sister???? Kelly's friend?????

JERK!!!!!!!

I really don't know why this bugged me so (and obviously still does). I am so past that time in my life. I am happily married and have a beautiful little girl. Do I have regrets?? Yes.... but don't we all???

I regret that I allowed my mother to warp me so emotionally.
I regret that I could not see the things she told me were untrue.
I regret all those missed parties, dances, concerts and dates.
I regret the fact that I was nearly 30 before I was able to see I was worthy of being loved.
I regret that when I look in the mirror all I see is a fat girl, even after nearly 100 pounds lost.

And, I know it's silly after all these years, but I regret feeling stupid for thinking Steve and I were friends.

Went looking for a bra today

2009-11-19T15:30:00.002-07:00

I am in need of a new bra. I have lost about 12 inches since my surgery. I have been wearing a bra that I purchased after Kayleigh was born and I lost some weight. When I first purchsed it (after the sales girl told me "they feel tight at first....you'll get usd to it") I wore it once. Do ya know wht it feels like to be strangled by your own bra???? Cuz that's what was hapening to me ;)

Anyway, I had some running around to do downtown today, so I went to a bra/lingerie shop. The girl did a fitting on me. She was good. She never measured me, she just felt me in a couple places and came back with a bra. I put it on, and it fit quite well. It was an underwire, which I haven't worn in forever. I tried one, once, It was sooo uncomfortable to me.... poking into me in places you'd rather not be poked into. It was probably the wrong size.

I figured I was going to have to pay a bit more for a good, well fitting bra. I asked her how much this one is and she said (with a straigh face no less) $116.00. $116.00????? Dollars????????? Are ya sure that's not yen?????

She then proceeded to tell me they recommend you wash your bra after each wearing. For $116.00 someone should come to my home and wash it for me! She also told me they (whomever they are.... probably the same people who put $116.00 price tags on a bras) recommed you have 7 bras, and buy new ones every year and a half. Quite a little racket the have running there.

Needless to say I left braless (or should I saw new braless?) Otherwise I would just be downright scary ;)))

So... the bra hunt commences.....

I survived

2009-11-01T15:31:00.002-07:00

..... my surgery. Thanks for asking, Diz, my friend.

I am still a bit sore. The not so bright nurse in post op told me that I needed to see the surgeon in a week, and not to take off the wrapping (the one that went from mid thigh all the way to my ankle) until I saw him. I was quite miserable with that wrapping. My knee was at a strange angle and the wrapping kept trying to slip down. I was so miserable trying to sleep... I just couldn't find a good position. I counted the days (and when it got closer, minutes ;) until I could get it off. When I went to the doctors the nurse told me I could have taken it off after 3 days. Grrrrrrr......

Anyway, it's been 3 weeks. I still have some pain, and the knee makes popping noises.... a lot. It happens everytime I stand up. The surgeon told me that could just be from the extensive arthritis I have in that knee I am getting around a LOT better, though still limping a bit, which is causing massive back pain. Yesterday I probably walked 2-3 miles. I took Kayleigh Trick or Treating 3 different times. I used 1 crutch, and it seemed to help alleviate the back pain.

The surgeon ordered the Synvisc shots for me (the ones for artritis in the knees) I suspect it is going to be a fight with Caremark (our Rx provider) to get these shots. Double Grrrrrrr. I was hoping to get them before we go to Michigan in 3 weeks, but I suspect that is not going to happen.

My weight has been going down, albeit slowly. I have about 11 pounds to go for the big 100. I would really like to be there by the time we go to Michigan (tick tock tick tock) but if it doesn't happen I will be fine with that, after all.... it's just a number on the scale. I will get there, if not before my trip then after.

My restriction has been pretty good. I still make the occasional not so great choice. I do not beat myself up though. This is a learning process, I do not make bad choices that often, this is NOT a diet.....it's a way of life and..... I am, after all, human.

I am still dealing with the monster in law issues. She was pronounced as being in remission a couple of months ago. We got tomorrow for another CT scan to see if the cancer is back. It will come back. This is not curable. It is just a waiting game.

I am a bit irritated with her. I really have done a lot these past 7 months or so to extend her life. All she does is lie in bed. She is pretty much in bed 23 hours a day. She gets up to go to the bathroom, or make herself a cheese sandwich (which she takes back to bed to eat) Once or twice a month she wants to go out and spend her social security check. We will usually go out to eat then to Walmart or something. We also usually grab a bite to eat after her doctors appointments. Other than that she is in bed.

Don't get me wrong. I'm sure she is depressed. But still..... why bother with chemo and radiation if all you are going to do is lay there til you die?

I nag her all the time. I'm sure she thinks I am an A1 bitch. And I am. I bug her about getting up.... I prod her (hey.....maybe a cattle prod??), I goad her, I beg her. Nothing works. I told her today that if the CT scan comes back bad she HAS to make a decision. I asked her if she just wants to lay there the next 2 years. I asked her why she has been doing all she can medically but is just laying there and shortening her life. I told her that she will not survive any sort of chemo (or possibly a drug trial) if she does not get up and get her heart beating.

I just don't know what else to do. Hmmmmmm...that cattle prod is sounding better and better.

That's my life right now. Later......

tomorrow is the big day

2009-10-08T20:05:00.001-06:00

My knee surgery is at 1PM tomorrow. I'm so nervous. I just hate having general anesthesia.

I'll update tomorrow (or Saturday)

Later.....

I finally did it...

2009-09-26T17:31:00.004-06:00

For those of you who have been with me for awhile.... remember when I bought the new jeans? (it will be a year Oct 1) I swore if I was not in them within the 90 days I had to return them I would return them. Well..... I did not return them. Today I was able to get them on!!!! They are quite tight still, but they were up, zipped...the whole nine yards. I will post the pics of them below.

I finally bit the bullet and went to an orthopedic surgeon a couple of weeks ago. My knees have been bad for years, clicking and making assorted other sounds, as well as quite painful. I have avoided going to a doctor because I didn't want to hear their s***. I figured, why pay someone to insult and belittle me when my mother would (gladly) do it for free??

Anyway, turns out I had a tear in the left knee meniscus on both sides of the knee (plus LOTS of arthritis) The doctor told me he can fix the tears but he's not sure if it will help me completely, because of the arthritis. I figure at this point anything will help. I have gotten to the point that I can't even walk for exercise. The kneecap is always trying to go out (it's sad when your knee goes out more than you!! ;) It has also been locking when I try to walk. I am so looking forward to having this done... hoping it will bring me some relief. I keep thinking about the series "Happy Days" There was an episode where Fonzie had to have knee surgery, on the day of surgery he was in the hospital and quite drugged up, he said "I'm going to the rip out room" So..... I guess I'm going to the rip out room soon too!!!

I'm still losing... which is, of course, a very good thing. I am pretty sure I can make my mini goal of 100 pounds lost before our next trip home to MI. (late Nov) Other than that it's the same ole-same ole. Dealing with the MIL and her cancer issues. She is done with chemo, now we are doing brain radiation. She goes back for another CT scan early November. Right now we are just waiting for the cancer to come back.

More soon......

This is kind of neat

2009-09-12T00:41:00.002-06:00

This blog was featured on the online weight loss surgery channel. The link to it is: http://ow.ly/p0gZ It was kind of a neat thing for me. So, if you are checking out this blog beacuse of that, welcome, and feel free to stay with me for the ride!!!

Also, if you are new, I would love it if you could drop me a quick comment to let me know you stopped by.

Thanks Yvonne, for featuring me ;))

I just realized....

2009-09-11T18:42:00.002-06:00

When I looked at my ticker that I am half way to where I want to be. 81 down, 81 to go!!! I may decide to go lower once I get rid of the 81, but for now I am over the moon to be halfway!!!!

a great giveaway

2009-09-10T13:49:00.002-06:00

I know I have mentioned the blog theworldacordingtoeggfaceblogspot.com, if you haven't checked it out yet...you should. She has great recipes that she is updating all the time. Right now I am making her baked beans (can't wait to try them!!!!)

She is having a contest right now to give away a big tub of her favorite protein powder. I am hoping to win it.

So check it out!!

My legs are shrinking!!!

2009-09-10T09:40:00.002-06:00

I have been trying to find some clothes that fit. I went to Catherines the other day and hit the clearance racks (I love Catherines.. but they are so freakin expensive. I only purchase from the clearance rack there..... can't wait til I'm not held hostage and can shop anywhere!!)

Anyway... I found a pair of jeans but they are a petite. I have never worn a petite... and they were long enough!!! How weird. I guess I am getting shorter???

I met up with some of my band friends for our monthly Red Robin meeting and got lots of great new clothes. All of the pants are too long for me, of course, now with my much shorter legs. The jeans are cute as heck, and I am going to find a place to get them shortened (even the "average" ones are a bit too long.) Go figure.....

Changing the subject...

I am thinking about making an appointment with a psychologist. I think I probably really need it. In the past I have gotten down to a certain weight and stopped losing. I guess I am afraid of losing "me".

Sometimes I think it is easier on those bandsters who gained weight in adulthood. They know what it is like to be "normal".

I have never been "normal"

I have always been fat.

I suffered as a fat child, a fat teenager, and carried all that pain into adulthood. I never had boyfriends growing up. I never went to the prom (or any other dances with a date) I was always the "good friend" I suffered a lot of mental abuse from my mother I will not go into now. Lets just say she had a lot to do with making me who I am today.

I am an adult now. I need to get over it. I may need help with that.

Still losing. Later....

Tried on some cars the other day

2009-08-24T12:34:00.002-06:00

We had to turn in out lease car last week. I miss it already. It was a Ford Edge. We have decided not to purchase/lease a new vehicle right now, while I am not working. I am kind of bummed about this, but I know it is for the best. We have the F150, plus my MIL signed her Corolla (otherwise known as the ash tray on wheels... boy does it smell) over to Ron. We have 2 vehicle with the Corolla, and it will make things a bit easier financially not having that around $500 a month going out, between the payment, insurance gas etc.

Anyway, while Ron was doing the paperwork at the dealership I was sitting in the model cars on the sales floor. I was soooo amazed at the fact that my belly was not rubbing on the steering wheel. And believe me..... a year ago I could have started a fire with that rubbing!!!! I sat in a Escape and remarked to Ron how spacious it was inside. He said "Last time you sat in one you complained about how small it was inside" It is things like that that really make me realize how far I have come so far.

My mini goal right now is a 25 pound loss. That will take me to 100 pounds lost. I booked our tickets to Michigan leaving on Nov 23. I am really going to try to hit this goal before then.... I'm not sure if I will be able to make it. But if not.... I know I will make it sooner or later.

Later....

Finally..... 75 pounds!!!!

2009-08-10T17:02:00.002-06:00

Well, I hit 75 pounds lost today. I know it is just a number... but I am still so geeked about it. Now I have to shoot for 100!!! Hopefully it won't take as long. That last 21 pounds took 10 months!!!

Feeling like poopy today. Nausea, pain, headache.... the whole 9 yards. Managed to make a big pot of stuffed cabbage soup today. It smells sooooo good. I will have a bowl of it tomorrow (I'm afraid it will come back up today. Not get stuck, just your run of the mill old fashioned barf ;0 )

Later.....

Feeling much better now

2009-08-03T12:25:00.002-06:00

I went last week for a slight unfill. She took out .25...so, basically half of what the doctor put in. I was afraid for a day or two that it was not enough, since I was still having issues 3 days later. But, luckily they seem to have gone away. I am noticing I have to really really really chew the heck out my food. I have always been fairly good at chewing well... but now I have to make a special effort to chew even more.

I hate to say this for fear of jinxing myself.... but my weight has started to go down a bit now, which is good, since I was getting so beyond frustrated!!!

Other than that, not much to say. So..... Later

sweet spot... finally??

2009-07-25T23:46:00.002-06:00

Well... I think I may be there (for my couple of non banded readers, this is the spot where you are at your most optimium fill....getting full on less and staying full longer)

Last month when I went for my fill the PA did it. She did not withdraw any fluid, as is usual, since her reasoning is that she has a pretty good idea of where I am fill wise, by previous fills. I should have had around 7cc. She put in .2.... hence 7.2 in a 10cc band. It was great, it was the very first time I only had to get poked once. Every other fill has been 1-2 pokes to put fluid in, then 2-3 more to immediately pull some out again (again, for non bandsters... you get fluid put in, sit up and drink a small cup of water. If you have any pain, pressure, burping or gurgling you have too much and have to have some taken out).

I went last week and saw the surgeon. Even though I requested he NOT pull all the fluid out (I feel that irritates my pouch and makes the need for a unfill) he still pulled out first. He then filled me. When I asked him how much he put in he told me I only had 6cc (though he also said there may have been some left in he did not get) so he put in .5cc. So, I should have around 6.5cc right now. I think he is correct in saying he did not get all out and I believe I am probably closer to 8cc.

I am pretty close to being over full. I am having a bit of an issue with anything too solid (though as long as I am really, really, really careful I am doing OK). I am getting full really quickly. I have always been able to slam my water. I have actually gotten stuck a time or two in the last week while trying to drink too quickly (I know...I shouldn't be doing that anyway ;) I am noticing a lot of gugling after drinking. I have been told by other bandsters they gurgle when they have a good fill. SO.... I guess this is a good fill. I am just being super careful with what I eat. I have been experimenting with new recipes. The other day I made chicken tortilla soup (minus the tortillas, of course) I also jazzed up some canned baked beans with some hamburger and a bit of BBQ sauce. If it is cool enough tomorrow I may make some of my custard (with skim milk and Splenda, of course... it is really quite good) I am still fighting a bit to get in my days worth of protein. Good thing I like protein shakes.

I was laying in bed tonight and gurgling really badly, as well as feeling quite hungry. Suddenly it dawned on me... it had been 10 hours since I ate!!!! No wonder. What a strange and wonderful thing to happen ;)) So.... here I am at midnight, eating a protein bar and blogging. Glad you're all here to read this

I guess that is all for now... just wanted to share my good news.

Later....

another fill....

2009-07-19T11:30:00.004-06:00

I went to the surgeon for another fill last week. I told him about eating too many calories (in my opinion) he basically told me that eating 600 calories a day is fine. He went so far as to say "People in concentration camps ate very little and they lost weight" which I personally felt was a bit inappropriate. He told me your body going into "startvation mode" if you eat too few calories over a period of time is just a wives tale.

I don't believe him.

How many of us have lost weight eating very little... them put it back on as soon as we ate even a tiny bit more???

Anyway.... his PA wanted him to look at my hernia to change his mind about doing the surgery. He looked at how much bigger it has gotten and didn't seem to be terribly impressed. I did not push the issue, since it is not a good time for me to even consider surgery right now, with the MIL still going through chemo and unable to watch Kayleigh at all. Perhaps in the future.....

I am getting sooooo frustrated....I am loosing and gaining the same 6-7 pounds week in and out. I started exercising more last week (when Kayleigh started school) I am trying to make it to Curves everyday (though not always making it) I am going to start water aerobics again the week after next (this next week is filled every day with Judy and her chemo) Hopefully all this will kick start some losing.

more later...

I'm sooooo depressed

2009-06-30T15:40:00.002-06:00

I took Kayleigh to Little Monkey Bizness (a indoor play area) and there was a 20 something mom there. I was taking pictures of Kayleigh, and I heard this mother say something about a grandma. Then I heard Kayleigh say "That's my momma" I heard the mom say something like "Oh, sorry".

This is the first time I have been mistaken for her grandmother (well... at least as far as I know) I actually had tears in my eyes. I realize things are what they are, and that I really am old enough to be her grandmother, but it was still quite upsetting to me ;(

I'm gonna go get my cane and shawl out of storage now...

One year!!!!

2009-06-26T10:17:00.002-06:00

Well, it's been one year. Thank you all for going along with me on this journey. Just a warning though... it's not over yet..so please keep all hands inside the ride.

Some random thoughts.....

72 pounds is darn good.

I wish it were more (though, as stated above...72 is darn good)

I am proud of how far I have come.

I try not to look at how far I have to go.

I will get there.

I wish I had exercised more at the beginning.

I am exercising now.

I need to exercise more.

I have had times I was not perfect with my food choices.

I haven't been terrible, and after all.... nobody's perfect.

I am a work in progress and attempting to learn and make better choices every day

I didn't get this big overnight.

I am accepting the fact I will not lose it overnight.

I still have moments I wish I had gone for bypass.

I know that wish is just due to my impatience and somewhat unreal expectations.

I do not regret my choice of being banded as opposed to bypass.

I know it was the correct choice for me.

I still want to eat.

I guess that "head hunger" never goes completely away.

I am getting better every day about listening to my band, it knows whats right.

It has been quite a year for me, I have lost 72 pounds as well as a good friend, Rest in Peace Kelly. I have been really happy, to the point of giddiness, as well as down due to those nasty plateaus. I have seen another friend have bypass soon after my surgery, and doing great. Looking good Jack. I have met a lot of great people thorugh lapband talk. Some I have met in person... some virtual friends. Thank you one and all. I have gotten a lot of feedback, advice and support from everyone... lapbanders and non lapbanders alike. I want you to know I love and appreciate you all.

A special thank you to my wonderful sister Sheila. I love you sis. As well as my sister from another mother, Donna. I am so glad we met, and that you are part of my life.

I guess that is all for now. Must...go...exercise.

Later....

Had a scare

2009-06-22T10:36:00.002-06:00

The week before last I went out to eat with some girls from a local doctors group (Dr Kirshembaum... he does lapband surgery here in Aurora for a decent cash price...9K.... he has people flying in from all over the country for surgery) Anyway, I get together with some of his patients once a month or so. We usually go for dinner at Red Robin. I was in my "3 days of crazy eating to jump start my metabolism" I ordered the cheeseburger con queso there. It is fairly spicy, and I do not do spicy... at all.

The next morning I woke up with MAJOR pain in by band area. Eating was agonizing. It was not the usual "OMG, I am so stuck" sort of pain. It was more the "this brand new band is going ot kill me" sort of pain. I felt like I did a day or two post op... terrible pain from my chest up to my shoulder blades on the left side every time I so much as took anything more than a small sip of water.

I was so afraid I had slipped my band. I had all sort of visions of having to have it unfilled/removed.

This happened on Thursday morning, I had a fill scheduled for Tuesday morning. I stuck to prtein smoothies until then. Tuesday before my appointment I took Kayleigh to the Science Museum. We ate in the cafe there and I took a couple of bites of her pizza (just to check out my pain level) I was pain free!!! I went for my appointment and told the Dr's PA what had happened. She assured me I was just really irritated and did not have a slip. She said she sees this fairly often.

I even got a fill!!!! While I was on the table she looks down and says "My, what a large hernia" She could tell it has grown significantly since she saw it a couple of months ago. She told me she was going to talk to Dr Metz about fixing it. She made another fill appointment for me in 4 weeks with Dr Metz. He may stick to his guns on the needing to be at a 35 BMI, but you never know.....

I am quickly coming up on my year (4 more days) I can't believe this hyear has gone so quickly!!!

I am still no losing weigh... I have actually gained the last week or two. I honestly have no idea why.... I'll just keep plugging along though.

more later....

I think my body hates me!!!

2009-06-07T18:22:00.002-06:00

I trully do not know what to do. I am just not losing weight. I am exercising as well as eating more. Yep... that's more. I started religiously logging my meals, and I was eating about 600-700 calories a day. I know that is too low, and my body was most likely in starvation mode. I am trying to get in 1200-1400 cals a day. It is not that easy (and I never thought I would say that!!!) I am finding at the end of the day I am still short on cals. My friend Melissa gave me some good ideas on things to eat, Love those mock canollis... thanks Melissa!!!

I am coming up quickly on my year, I am really hoping I can get down at least another 4 by then (to be at 75 pounds lost)

***********************

On a completely different note... we had a tornado near here today. We were in the basement and Ron was calling for me to come outside. He pointed out the funnel cloud to me!!! I RAN back inside, and we watched out the windows the tornado go around (and luckily, past) our house. it was never really that close to us (though it sure seemed that way to me!!!!!) It touched down about 2 miles away, and did some damage to some condos, a Lowes and the mall. I have a real fear of tornados and never want to see one that close again.

Back at ya soon....

Where did the time go???

2009-05-18T10:00:00.002-06:00

I can't believe it. Kayleigh starts Kindergarten in less than 2 months. She is starting on July 7th!!! Where did my little tiny less than 5 pound baby go? How can she be 5 already?? Can I actually let her go enough to send her to school???

It seems like yesterday that I was sitting at work crying because the specialist told me I would most likely not be able to have a baby. He basically said I was too fat and too old. Fooled him!!!! I had a couple of friends offer me their eggs (which I thought was just so wonderful and giving) thankfully I did not need to go that route.

Not much going on in the loss department. I am pretty well stuck where I was before I went to Michigan

I know this is my fault, since I am too lazy to get my fat butt exercizing. I have made a commitment to myself to exercise every day. I need to make sure I am going to Curves on a regular basis too.

I so wanted to be down 100 pounds by my 1 year bandiversary, but it is not going to happen now. I have a little over a month to go. I will be very happy with at least 75 pounds gone though (I am hoping to get off more than that... but I will be quite content knowing I have lost 75 pounds... never to find it again!!!!)

The monster in law is still doing chemo. She starts her 3rd round tomorrow. I'm not sure if it is helping or not, she was in the hospital the week before last (she "passed out") I have seen that particular act too many times to believe it. I know she was feeling quite bad, and probably needed to go to the hospital... but instead of asking to go, she had to make a big productions and go by ambulance. They did a CT scan and the ER doc told us there were spots on both lungs. She said the doctor on the floor told her the mass in her lower lobe was much smaller and there were no spots on either lung. She sees the doctor before the chemo starts and I always go with her to know exactly what is going on. For her sake, I hope they are right and the mass is getting smaller, this would improve her chances of living longer.

I am quite busy with all of her issues, but I know I really need to find some "julie time" to do what I need to do for myself. I need to get my rear in gear.

That's about all that is going on in my little world. More later...

My MIL so pisses me off

2009-04-26T14:23:00.002-06:00

Everyone who knows me knows I do not particularly like my MIL (never have, never will) She has treated my husband like her own personal bank his entire life. Five years ago she sold her home in Ohio (after my husband and BIL fixed it up... at their expense) She cleared about 50K for the house and moved up to Michigan. Kayleigh was a new born at the time. Judy moved in with us "to help take care of Kayleigh for a couple weeks" She then proceded to spend ALL her money at the casino in 3 months, all the while looking me in the face and lying about the fact she had "plenty of money left". Did I mention the fact she is a pathological liar??? Seriously.... she would not know the truth, about anything, if it bit her in the ass. Anyway.... her money was gone, and I have been stuck with her the past 5 years. (she even moved with us twice!) It has not been pretty. It was getting to the point that one of us was leaving... and I didn't care who. I seriously considered Kayleigh and I not coming back from the next visit to MI.

Now, things have changed somewhat since her cancer diagnosis. I still don't like her... but I do feel sorry for her, and am doing everything I can to help extend her life.

One of my biggets gripes about her (other than the contant unending lying, the whining, and mooching) has been the fact that she has not respected anything I have requested her to do in 5 years!!!!! Including anything to do with Kayleighs care/upbringing.

Anyway... getting to the point of my little rant: before we went to MI she bought a kit to make a pineapple upsode down cake. Now... pineapple is my favorite thing in the world. I uesd to say I would eat shit if it was pineapple flavored!!!! I said that would be torture to me... her making the cake and me not being able to eat it (believe me... I would not be able to stop at one piece... it would haunt me til it was gone) Ron asked her specifically NOT to make it until we were gone to MI. She waited until the day we were heading home to make it... then realized there were no eggs. She made it today. The minute I walked out of the bedroom this morning the smell assaulted me. I was hungry, and could have run out there and shoved the whole thing in my mouth. I come out and she's like "I made the cake today" I got quite angry and asked her "I was gone for 15 days... you couldn't have made it then... like I asked????" She told me she didn't feel like going out to get eggs earlier (though she managed to go to Kohls and buy herself a couple of over priced tops, as well as being able to buy candy for my child (which we limit) for her Easter basket.) She claims she doesn't remember us both asking her (quite a few times) to make it while I was not home. I am just soooo angry over this total lack of respect towards me. I guess it is just par for the course though....

a large setback

2009-04-25T12:05:00.002-06:00

Well, before I went to MI I gained 5 pounds. Not completeley sure why... perhaps PMS weight gain. Then while I was in MI I gained another 8 (this is so painfull to even admit... let alone put in writing) As usual, while in MI I was wayyyy too tight. Instead of trying my best I kind of lost my teeny tiny little mind. I ate so badly. I refound my love of Reeses Peanut Butter cups, I also had quite a few vanilla milkshakes from McDonalds, as well as eating an entire ice cream mud pie. I brought my protien powder... but it never came out of the closet where I put it at my grandmothers house. I am kicking myself now, of course (hindsight being 20/20 and all that) but... what's done is done. I just need to get myself back on track again. I just need to keep my next mini goal in mind (-100 pounds.... hopefully by my one year bandiversary in late June)

Well, on to other news. My MIL finished her first round of chemo while we were in MI. She also had a bone scan, which came back negative. She starts her next round on Monday. After that she needs to have a chest CT. If the spot on her upper lung is gone it is bad news, that would mean the cancer has spread past the mass in the lungs. If the spot is still there it means it was not cancer and she can have radiation, which would give her as the doctor says, "a much better outcome"

Physically she seems to be doing OK. It is so hard to tell, since I suspect she is really playing up some of her issues (I could be wrong, but I am so used to her and her Munchausens, I tend to take all her complaints with a grain of salt anymore.) Her main complaint is tiredness, which the doctors office told her should be gone a week or so after chemo. She also claims she fell a couple of times while we were in MI. I just don't know what to believe....

I guess that is all for now. Later...

sorry I haven't posted lately

2009-04-04T10:05:00.003-06:00

Things have been a bit crazy around here the last few weeks. My mother in law was diagnosed with lung cancer. She has lived with us for 5 years, and about every 6 months or so she would have some sort of medical crisis. She would be admitted to the hospital for a week or so, but they would never find anything wrong. These never had anything to do with her issues now. I am pretty sure she has Munchausens. A couple of weeks ago she claimed she was having chest and back pains and her left arm was numb. I'll be honest.... I did not believe her, but took her to the ER anyway... in case this time she really was sick.

Her heart was fine, but they did a chest X-ray and found a mass in her right lung. What a kick in the ass... fake your way (in my opinion) into the hospital and get a completely unrelated terminal diagnosis.

They did a biopsy via the lung while she was in the hospital, but it came back indeterminate. a week after she came out I had to take her to a different hospital for a biopsy of the lymph nodes near the lungs. It came back positive for cancer. The doctor told me they did not know what kind of cancer. It could be either lymphoma or lung cancer (though he was pretty sure it was lung). We went to the oncologist on Monday and he told her it was small cell lung cancer (the more aggresive kind) He told her without treatment she had a couple of months, and with treatment, best case would be 1-2 years.

We had to go Tuesday to change her drivers liscence to Colorado (to try to get Medicaid) then we had to go to Social Services. It was craxy there, so we got the paperwork and Kayleigh and I went back Wednesday to turn on the paperwork. I had to stand in line for an hour.. and boy my dogs were barking!!! Thursday we had to go to the oncologsit office to see the chemo nurse, then Friday (yesterday) we needed to go to the hospital to have her chemo port inserted. Needless to say, it has been a busy time for me. Chemo starts Monday. kayleigh and I are heading to Michigan on Tuesday (I really can't cancel... my grandparents are 91 and in bad health....I am afraid this will be the last time I see them... I can't cancel) Ron is going to have to take her Tuesday and Wednesday.

I'll be honest... Judy has never been my favorite person, and her living in my home the last five years has not been easy, but I feel so bad for her. No one should have to go through this. She is handling things a lot better than I would, and I have told her so. She has been sleeping a lot (depression, I'm sure) but other than that she appears to have it pretty well together. I would still be sitting in a corner somewhere sobbing. I give her every credit. We are going to do everything we can do to fight this terrible disease. It is not curable... but I will do all I can to make her time left as long and comfortable as possible.

So.... my weight has been fluctuating a bit lately. I am somewhat bummed that I will not make my 75 pound goal before we leave for Michigan on Tuesday, but still, I know 71 pounds is nothing to sneeze at ;))

I will try to post Monday after we get back from chemo.

Later...

I've been sick, and sad

2009-03-14T10:11:00.002-06:00

First off... I started getting a sore throat Tuesday night. By Wednesday morning I could not talk, my throat hurt so much and my glands were so swollen. It kept getting worse and worse. I went to the doctors on Thursday and it turned out I had strep. I have been on an antibiotic since then (and boy, is liquid Cipro nasty!!!) anyway, since I wasn't able to eat (or even drink water) I lost 5.4 pounds. A tough way to lose, but a loss is a loss.

I joined Curves on Tuesday and,of course, have not been able to go again since because of feeling so bad. I intend to go M-F after work (they are closed on Sun and Sat is iffy since Ron tends to work on weekends and the MIL sleeps in ) but... I intend to go every day I can.

I added a couple of new pictures... I truly don't see much change in the last few months. The top picture is me in my new size 26 jeans, and a shorter top (that is the biggest difference... I have always worn really long shirts... usually T-shirts I bought at a big mens store in X Long) Even though I don't really see a difference, I feel it. I also got a haircut.. it's fairly short. I have not had my hair cut in at least 10 years, so it was quite a change. I feel like I am slowly re-inventing myself. I'm betting my lapband readers know what I am talking about?

Now to the sad part.... I got a call from a friend that a mutual friend of ours had passed away. I hadn't spoken to her for at least 10 years, but I spoke of her fairly often... she was a real character. While I was sick I spent a lot of time on the phone talking about Kelly, her funeral, and re-living funny Kelly stories with friends. I am sad and upset I will not be able to go to her funeral (she lived in Iowa, but her body was shipped back to Michigan) since I am here in Colorado. It's times like these I realize how much I have always relied on friends and family. Life is what it is though. I'm still looking forward to going to MI in early April.

I'll miss ya Killer Jo...rest in peace.

I've been shopping

2009-03-01T13:38:00.002-07:00

Well, my scale has not been too kind to me the last few monts (as you all know) I have been soooo frustrated about still wearing the same jeans. Even though they still "fit" (I guess after 65 pounds lost I expected them to actually fall off) they are looking quite sloppy.

I have been doing a bit of shopping the past week. The jeans I have been wearing are a 32. I went out last week and bought a pair of peddal pusher style jeans ( You know.. the ones that are capri length??) in a 9 at Catherines... their sizes really truly irritate me. Call a size what it is. They claim it is a whole different way of sizing... that it goes by "body type" It just bugs me. I asked the girls at the store what a 9 was comparable to in "real" sizes. At first they couldn't tell me. Then they were able to tell me an approximation of a 9 in womens sizes is 28-30 OK...was that so freaking hard???? Why did I practically have to pull teeth to get that answer??? Jeez.....

Anyway, I stopped at KMart on Friday and hit the clearance rack, Got 4 tops and 2 pairs of pants (one pair of pull on jeans and one pair of black knit maternity pants... I am still wearing maternity pants I had from being pregnant w/Kayleigh.... they are more comfortable with my growing hernia). Then I stopped at Lane Bryant and hit the clearance racks there yesterday. I got a really cute top and 2 pairs of pants. One pair is tan cords in a 28 and the other is a really cute pair of sparkly black jeans in a 26!!! They both fit... more or less. They zip, but are quite tight in the belly, so I will be back to wearing long shirts with them (I really don't like walking around looking like I have a butt in the front, so I have to keep that covered ;O

Hopefully in a fairly short time they will start looking sloppy on me too.....

So depressed....

2009-02-17T16:23:00.002-07:00

I went and picked up my CT scan today and took it to Dr Metz. He agreed I have a very large hernia, he also told me he will not repair it til my BMI is 35. I swear back in November at my last fill he told me a BMI of 40. That is another 60 pounds or so. We figured it out... at a pound a week it is going to take a year and a half!!!!!! I was hoping to get it repaired sometime in the forseeable future.

He told me that I could find someone to do it now.... but that it will just tear again for the 4th time. I am so down about this. I really feel like I am never going to get there.

He was going on and on about how well I'm doing.... are you freaking kidding me???? He was telling me I have been losing one pound a week, so he considers that good. I realize that is what you should expect with the band, but I just feel like I am taking one step forward and two steps back. I know I will get over this (I really do know I am doing OK) I am just quite disappointed about the visit to him. The thought of being in all this pain for the next year or more is quite depressing . I think I'll go have a good cry and get over it.

I've decided....

2009-02-14T10:53:00.002-07:00

I have decided to definetly make an appt with Dr Metz (the lap band surgeon who took over after dr Mel left) I am going to call on Monday to make an appointment. I will probably go pick up my CT scan results for him to see too.

I am going to ask him about having a pannulectomy (removal of the "apron", or hanging down part of the stomach) at the same time because of medical neccessity. I , personally, believe having a hernia repaired in late June and having it come back by November says there is a problem there. I have been reserching this online the last hour or two, and I suspect the insurance company will not go for it. It appears that recurrent hernias (this is my 3rd in the exact same place) is not good enough criteria for this procedure. Bummer. I am still going to ask him if he would be able to perform this surgery, and ask him to try to pre-auth it. I don't expect much to come of it though ;(

I finally figured out why BC/BS made me so miserable while trying to get my original lap band surgery OK'd. Every time someone at the doctors office (OR I) called we got different answers. I couldn't believe an insurance company could have so many idiots working for it. Well.... now I'm one of those idiots!! Working with the senior supplement plan now, I realize how difficult it can be to give proper info... and how many people don't even try. I just DREAD having to go through that whole thing again. I know how hard it can be to get proper benefit info (especially when I already pretty much know this will be a uphill, fruitless battle) but... I am still going to try.

I just went to a BMI calculator, and it looks like I will have to lose 28 pounds more to get to a BMI of 40 (Dr Metz told me he would not do the repair til I am at a 40 or less) So, I guess that will be my next mini-goal, after the one for minus 75.. I need to lose 11 pounds to get to 75 pounds down (I am aiming for early April for this). The good news looking at it that way is that I will only have another 17 to lose at that point. Definetely doable when looked at like that!!!

Hope everyone is doing well.... more later.....

driver's licences, Cat scan and other things....

2009-02-13T17:05:00.002-07:00

I went to get my Colorado drivers license last week. They asked me for my weight (they actually put your weight on your licence here ;0 ) When they asked me for my weight I told them what I will be at -100 pounds as my weight. Hey..... I'm almost there.

I went for my CT scan on Tuesday. It took 4 tries to get the IV started
Thursday I had to go in to have some blood drawn. I have not had my 6 month blood tests done yet. I was at the doctors for 2 hours.... I was poked about 10 times (I lost count) and still they didn't get enough blood. I need to go to a lab to get more drawn.

Most importantly.... the doctor called me today. They didn't find any cats ;))) but I do have a large ventral hernia. It's in the same place as I had it the last 2 times ;(((( I guess I will be scheduling surgery.... again. I'm not sure who I am going to see, or when I am going to try to have it done. The doctor gave me a referral for a surgeon at the hospital close to us. I was going to call him... but am thinking I should stay with the lap band guy who took over my care. I really don't think I should have someone poking around who is not familiar with bands. I am thinking I will try to schedule it in May or so... when I get back from MI (my niece is getting married and we will be going for the wedding) A lot of it will depend on when he is willing to do it, since he told me he would not do the repair until I am at a BMI of 40 or less. (I am almst there now)

That's about it for now. I will post again tomorrow when I do my official weight.

Later....

Not much going on

2009-01-31T11:15:00.002-07:00

I gained one pound last week (I'm thinking it's fairly obvious when I gain... I don't even bother posting for that week) But I was down 2 pounds this week. Less than 40 pounds to -100. Maybe by that time I'll be in a smaller size, huh?? I know it's just numbers, but it so bugs me I am still wearing the same size jeans after 62 pounds lost!!!! Un-freaking-believable.

On the good side.. I finally made an appointment with my PCP to see about getting a CT scan ordered for my abdomen. It is getting bigger seemingly daily. It is possible that it is a natural thing (I watch Biggest Loser...< my only reality show>... and I see other big girls that seem to look the same way.) It could just be that I am losing weight around the area, making it look bigger. Does that make any sense??? I am experiencing pain in the area though.. and it seems to be growing a bit lopsided... so I guess it is time to have it looked at. I am almost at the point where my surgeon would fix a hernia (he said he would not fix it until I am at a 40 or less BMI. I am at about 43 or so now.) I just dread the though of a possble surgery (after all I've been through... can ya really blame me??? ;)

I'll post when I get an answer from the doctor. Have a great week everyone.

Just happy to be losing

2009-01-18T11:23:00.002-07:00

Not too much going on here. I'm happy to say I am still losing steadily. I am so happy and thankful for that, since I know from bitter experience it can stop in a second.

I've been way too tight the last couple of days. I got stuck on Thursday at lunch (I have been doing that a LOT) We only get a half hour lunch... and when you have to sign out, walk across a very long room to the doors, then another long walk to the bathroom (since they frown on us going while on the phone... and believe me... it is quite difficult to wait when you are drinking 3 bottles of water before lunch) go to the bathroom, heat your lunch... that doesn't leave much time for eating. I have been eating too fast and getting stuck. Then, of course, it takes even more time when I have to go back into the bathroom to releave myself of everything I just ate (sorry if TMI). Anyway..... Usually I eat liquids for the rest of the day and I have no problems. Thursday I felt quite a bit of pain in my band area afterwards. Friday when I tried to eat something I felt definite pain (I didn't eat enough to get stuck...as soon as the pain started I switched right to liquids.) Same Saturday. I am going to try to have something nice and soft in a bit. Hopefully I will not feel any pain. This is so unusual to me.... I am sooooo afraid I have started to slip.

Oh well... I'll say bye for now and update when I can eat again.

A few recipie sites

2009-01-12T13:33:00.002-07:00

Hi all. I have been trying to add a little variety to what I eat, and have found a couple of good websites. The first one is: http://lapbandeating.blogspot.com/2008/12/three-cheese-chicken-penne-pasta-bake.html This recipe is fantastic. I used whole wheat pasta and cooked the chicken in the crockpot as she suggests in another post. I also left out the spinach, since I don't do green stuff!!

The other website is http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com She has some good recipe ideas. I made the protein ice cream and it was wonderful. I did not have a ice cream amker, so I went on freecycle and asked for one...which I got!! I would recommend making this ice cream for yourself for a change of pace (and lets face it... to feel a bit more normal ;)

I'm a loser

2009-01-02T17:08:00.003-07:00

.... finally!!!

I have not been posting lately... since all I had was bad news and the urge to whine.

I hope everyone is having a great start to their New Year, I am glad (and happy as heck) to say I LOST 2 POUNDS!!!!! I am hoping this was the start of much more loss.

Thanks for all the well wishes and encouragement, they have really meant a lot to me.

I will be posting again soon.

j

I wish....

2008-12-26T17:18:00.002-07:00

Thanks Melissa for this site.

Check this out, guys. It is a neat website. It is a virtual picture of you how you would look after a weight loss. I just wish I would look the way they say after 50 pounds.

http://www.weightview.com/new/resultsshown.asp?email=kayleigh.n.me@gmail.com&pass=troglodyte220

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I still am not losing, but it feels good to know there are people out there who understand, and are pulling for me.

So disgusted... Whine warning ;))

2008-12-11T17:07:00.003-07:00

I am really trying (and failing) not to get down. It has been forever since I've lost anything. I just don't know what to do.

I am fully aware you plateau when you diet, but jeez.... 2 freaking MONTHS???????.

I have been good so far. Have I been 100% good?? No. That is quite hard to do, after all.... life happens. I have been good 99% of the time. I have been very mindfull of my portion sizes, fat and calorie contents of what I was/ was not putting in my mouth. I will admit... if I was somewhere they were giving away free cookies, I would take one and have half. (this has been rare... maybe twice) When I was in MI, I had a small piece or two of my grandmas birthday cake (which I split with Kayleigh) I also had a couple miniature candy bars Kayleigh got for Halloween (hence the weight gain while there). But... for the most part, I had no problem turning down/ not eating anything I shouldn't.

I am starting to feel very deprived right now. I have not given in, and don't plan to. But..... it is just sooooo demoralizing to be doing what you should and still not losing. It is easy to say no when you are losing weight, but to not lose in 2 months?????

I got a fill, I bought (and use) my exercise bike. I thought it might be my protein drinks (I was using a LOT of peanut butter in them) So.... I cut them out. I have not had a protein drink in over a week. Still nothing.

Someone on one of my web groups posted a plateau busting diet. I may try that.

I just want to cry.

I have never regretted being banded (other than while I was having my "issues" at the beginning), but now I am kicking myslf for not considering bypass (even though I know the band was the right choice for me)

Add this to the fact that I have not gone down so much as one pant size. WTH???? How can you lose 55 pounds and not go down even one freaking size?????

Did I mention I could just cry??

Sorry for the whining post, hopefully I'll have better news soon.

Later...

Plateaus happen

2008-12-01T15:52:00.002-07:00

I am so frustrated. I have only lost 1 pound in like forever (I don't count the 5 I lost a couple weeks ago... that was just re-losing the 4 I gained in MI. I know if I just keep buckled down and doing everything I can...I will lose.

It's just so hard to be stuck ;(((

Just checking in

2008-11-29T18:51:00.003-07:00

Not too much going on right now. I did get a recumbent exercise bike (pictures attached) Kayleigh so badly want's to use it... but her little legs are way too short... even with the seat all the way up! I got it yesterday. Yesterday I did 5minutes (all I can do at one time) 5 times. Today I started doing a mile at a time (first mile 7 1/2 minutes, then less and less on each mile.) I did 5 miles today!!! It about kicks my butt to do a mile... I will have to build up to more.

My weight on Thursday was still the same. I am hoping the recent fill and the bike will make a difference.

I forgot to mention my biggest accomplishment in MI last time. My friend Joann and I went out to the bar (where I had 1 orange juice) when the bar closed Joann told me "I am going to go across to Dunkin Donuts for something" (it's right across the parking lot) I went in with her and ordered a Boston Cream (my absolute favorite!!!) We got back in the car and I took it out of the bag. I sat and looked at it for the 10 minute trip home, then though "I really don't want this" I ended up putting it back in the bag and giving it to Joann. Very good of me, if I must say so myself!!!

I hope everyone is doing well, and achieveing their goals. Till next time.....

Just got back from surgeon

2008-11-25T17:05:00.002-07:00

I actually saw Dr Metz today, which has not been the norm for me. Usually his PA or nurse practitoner does my fills. He was actaully in today, though. Guess no one wants to be banded 2 days before Thanksgiving.

He said my "swelling" is possibly a very large hernia. He told me he, personally, would not repair it at this time unless it became incarcerated. He said once I get down to a BMI of 40 (which would be another 40 or so pounds) he would do it. I am in no hurry to have anything repaired, as you can imagine. The thought of another hernia repair does not appeal to me. He said the other thing is it could just be my body's architecture. I am pretty sure I would have noticed something the size and shape of a soccer ball sticking out of my midriff before though.

He put in 4 cc's and took back 2. I am now at 7cc's. He also told me I need to exercise more. He suggested an recumbent bike, sine my knees are so bad (can't do a regular bike...I would never walk again after it) He suggested I look on ebay or craigslist for one.

He was not all that thrilled with my weight loss since my last fill, neither am I, that's why I went for a fill.

That's about all for now. I will post my loss (please, oh please...let it be a loss ;) on Thursday. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Some good news

2008-11-22T11:34:00.003-07:00

1) I lost my MI weight...and am down a pound over that. Yayyy for me ;) Kayleigh and I started walking last week. We walk to the mail box on the days I don't go to the gym. It is not a super long walk... about a quarter mile round trip... but at least I am moving. I think it has been helping. I have also been trying to drink a bit more water ( I was drinking 4 16oz bottles of Crystal Light a day, I have been trying to do at least 5 a day)

I seem to be getting hungry soon after eating, so I have an appointment for a fill on Tuesday. When I called to make it the office girl reminded me it was Thanksgiving week, and I would be on liquids Thanksgiving. No biggie. We were just going to get a small ham for Ron and Judy and a turkey breast for me. They will still have the ham on Thursday, and we will cook the turkey on Saturday. Holidays are just not the same being here in CO and having my family in MI.

I want the doctor to look at something while I am there. I seem to have a large "mass" of some sort. When I lay on my back and tighten my abdominal muscles it looks like I am 9 months pregnant (and I didn't even look 9 months pregnant when I was ) I am wondering if it could be another seroma. It seems to have appeared after my wound stopped draining from the abcess surgery. if it's not one thing it's another, huh?? It has not really been painful, though now that I have a cold it hurts to cough while I am laying down...and sneezing about kills me.

2) I got a J-O-B. Not the one I posted about last week. They never called me back. I went to an interview yesterday, took a test and was offered the job. It is with a company called Convergys. They operate a call center and take calls from different companies. I think they are kind of a subcontractor for other companies, in a sense. It is a temporary, seasonal job. I will be taking calls for open enrollement with United Health Care. The only problem will be Kayleighs preschool. I am going to drop her down from 3 to 2 days a week. Ron and I are going to have to figure a way to get her there/back those days. We really don't want Judy driving her, since Ron doesn't trust her driving. We figure with only 2 days a week if she misses as day it won't be costing us quite as much for missed school.

3) I forgot to post my NSV (non scale victory) while on my trip to MI. I was actually able to get my tray table down!!!! The last few years when I flew I was not able to put it down all the way, the front edge of it always rested on my stomach. It made me realize I have lost weight. I know I have, of course, the scale tells me so...as well as pictures. It just bums me out a bit I am still wearing the same size pants (looser, but still the same size) One difference is that I have always worn long, loose fitting T-shirts. I have been pulling out some shorter, cute shirts and wearing those with my jeans. So, I guess that is some progress. I got a whole bunch of sweaters and sweat shirts from my friend Jacki in MI (Thanks Jack) and I am looking forward to wearing them at work. (a few of them are Christmas theamed). I have also been able to put my vehicle seat up a bit, now my feet reach the peddals a lot better ;)

Anyway, thanks for reading. I will try to post pics next week, as well as update after I see the surgeon on Tuesday.

A small setback

2008-11-13T09:17:00.003-07:00

I did my official weigh in. I am up 4 pounds (it was 6 yesterday!!!!) I need to get back on track. I am still a bit suprised by the gain. I know I didn't make the best food choices in MI, but I didn't go crazy eating. I was on liquids the last 6 days, for Petes sake!!! Oh well, it is over and done with. Though suprised, I accept the weight is there, and I just need to get back on track to get it (and the rest) off.

I really need to start walking. I have avoided it so far, since I have such problems with my left knee. It hurts pretty much all the time. It trys to go out of socket a lot (it's sad when you can honestly say your knees go out more than you do!) I am just afraid of tripping over something, my knee going out, and not being able to get up on my own. Especially if Kayleigh is with me. I have a smallish window of good weather here. I will try to get out and walk today. I also would like to get some Richard Simmons videos to work out to. I have one somewhere on VHS, but I really need them on DVD so I can hook Kayleigh's little player to the TV downstairs. I was doing OK with my loss going to the rec center and swimming/doing old folks aerobics 2/3 X a week, but feel I should get something going the other days.

I have a J-O-B interview tomorrow. They are open 6:30 AM to 6:30 PM (I was a bit shocked....I didn't even know there were 2 sixes in each day!!!!) Anyway, this is going to be somewhat problematic for us (assuming I get the job, that is) Kayleigh goes to Pre/K M-W-F from 12:30-3. This is when I go to the gym. Not to mention the logistical problem of getting her there every day. Oh well, I better not count my chickens....

On a different subject... we went to K-Marts the other day. I was quite suprised to see they have a junior plus department. About time. My only question is where were they when I was a fat kid/teen/20 something? I got myself a cute sweater there.

I will post when I hear something about the job.

Later all, and thanks for joining me on my journey ...

Finally home

2008-11-09T09:54:00.002-07:00

We got back from MI last night. We stayed a bit longer than planned, Kayleigh had a bad head cold and I didn't want to fly with her. It was a nice trip. I got to spend time with friends and family. My only complaint (and I expected this) was my grandma. She kept trying to push food/sweets onto me (I know it was done out of love) About the first 4 days we were therte it was the same thing. I was going to make an pineapple upside down cake (... peach pie, banana pie...etc) do you like that? Every day it was the same answer "Grandma, I am on a diet" It's not like she doesn't know about it...she even helped me out paying for it!!!!

Towards the end I was quite miiserable, I think flying tightened up my band, and the lower altitude made it worse and worse. I was throwing up every day (not good at all) I would go on liquids... then the next day get stuck again. It was really painful. It got to the point that one bite of anything would get stuck. I finally just went on strict liquids for my last 5 days.

It was kind of funny, one day we were at the table and I was having my pureed steak (yummy!) after about 3 bites I got stuck. I was in the bathroom coughing and PB'ing when I heard Kayleigh (who's 4) say "I told momma not to eat that." It was so cute. The next day she was like... "Momma, don't eat too much" (believe me, by that point I definetely wasn't) I ate a couple of bites of soup and actually did not get stuck. I got done with my small bowl and she said "When are you going to start coughing?" So cute.... my own little food police ;)))

I must admit... I did take in too many liquid calories. Two times I got a shake, I had a cappuchino twice, and a small scoop of Baskin Robins once. I also had orange juice a few times. This was all while I was on liquids, other than the O.J. I kind of got to the what the heck stage. Ya know?? I can't eat anthing...I might as well have a shake (not to mention that I was starving!!!)

I was not happy when I got home and stepped on the scale. I am hoping my gain (eeek) was just from flying, and will come off quickly (about 9 pounds) I am down a bit this morning. I know I did not do everything I needed to do in MI. I did not drink enough water. My knee kept trying to go out... so I did not walk as planned. I did not take in enough protein at all (eating or not). I did have a small piece of the pineapple upside down cake, as well as split a couple pieces of grandmas birthday cake (not the same day... 3 days in a row). And we won't even talk about the Halloween candy (funny how that didn't get stuck). Well, I am home and back on track now.

On a different note...

I got a few replies and emails about my last post. I was a bit down when I wrote it. I just want everyone to know I really am happy and proud of what I have accomplished so far...I am just impatient. I feel good setting goals for myself (like the 75 pounds loss by Chrsitmas I mentioned) I know I might not get there "on time" but I know I will get there. I knew going into this I would be in it for the long haul. I also knew it would be work, and I was not going to "wake up skinny" the next morning. I know it will most likely take me the better part of 2 years (or maybe even more) to get where I want to be. That is just the way it is. All I can do is do what I need to do, and not worry about what everyone else is doing (weight loss wise)... this is soething I tend to forget when I get my fits of impatience.

I forgot to mention.... unless someone knew about my surgery, no one noticed my loss I went to 2 moms group events while in MI, and no one said anything!! I was quite bummed... Ah well....by the time we go back again it will be more noticable. (I know it can be seen....I see it when I look at pictures, and before we left my neighboors Kim and Rick bith asked about my losing and said how good I was doing (they don't know about the band) that made me feel prety good).

Thanks for reading this, and more soon.....

Would I do it all again?

2008-10-23T11:45:00.002-06:00

In a word, yes. Thank you for asking that oozyxena. I am officially at 4 months today. I would never have been able to lose over 50 pounds (and keep it off) in less than 4 months pre-band.

Do I wish I hadn't had all the other issues? Yes, of course. At the beginning did I have regrets and a case of "What did I do to myself's?" I sure did. But, whats done is done.

I know 5o+ pounds is good, but I am emmbarassed to admit...I am a bit disappointed. I have been comparing my loss to other peoples (wrong, I know, so very wrong) and feel like I am "falling behind" I knew going in it was work, and nothing would come easy... or in this case, the weight wouldn't go easy. I know I should be happy for what I have lost so far (and I am... happy and thankfull). Please don't think I'm not. I have always been a immediate gratification sort of girl, and am just impatient. I am setting a goal for myself right now of 75 pounds by years end. I believe that is not expecting too much, and a perfectly reasonable goal. If I don't make it (and there is no reason I shouldn't) I will just pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going until I hit that goal. How adult of me, huh??

Kayleigh and I are heading to the airport soon to fly to MI. I am looking forward to seeing my friends and family. I am a little concerned about my weight..though I think it might actually be nice for me not to obsess over my scale for 10 days ;))

So...until I return, take it easy everyone.

what a difference 4 weeks can make

2008-10-16T12:55:00.002-06:00

It was picture day today!! Even though I still barely see it when I look in the mirror, I can see a big difference in the pictures since last month.

I went to my doctor Tuesday (she hadn't seen me since before the surgery) she was quite suprised (and pleased) with the difference. When some days are harder than others, I break out the pics and look at how far I have come. I would say without hesitation that I love my band, but every once in a while the whole enormity of what I have done comes back to me, and I have a second or two of uneasiness. The old "OMG, what have I done to myself?" I will admit....those days are coming less and less, but it can still be tough when you want to eat. (I still have mental pangs as I drive by fast food joints) I guess it is just a stumbling block on the way to a smaller, better me.

I have been doing pretty well weight-wise still. Kayleigh and I are heading to Michigan a week from today. I am looking forward to seeing my friends, as well as family. My sister, Sheila, my niece Amy and I are going to the Windsor Casino on Friday!!! That should be fun. My friend Coryliss also wants to go to MGM. We have a Halloween party on Saturday, I will probably get together with one of my moms groups one night for dinner (my friend Theresa and I have birthdays 2 days apart, we always celebrate at P.F. Changs)... and, of course, the evil trick-or-treating. I think Kayleigh is looking forward to it for the first time. I feel kind of bad... she gets all that candy, and we only let her have a piece or two (we are trying to teach her good nutrition, and keep her from having a weight problem) Mean, mean parents ;))

I guess that's all for now.... more soon...

My gift to me

2008-10-11T14:02:00.003-06:00

My friend from swimming, Amy (the older woman I have mentioned before that lost so much weight) told me I needed to treat myself to something at a certain amount of weight loss. I decided on every 50 pounds. So.... last night I went on ebay and ordered a MP3 player. It's really nice looing. It looks like an I phone. It is 8GB so I'll have plenty of room for music, pics and maybe even a movie (if I can figure out how to download one, that is ;) It is coming from Australia, so I am hoping I get it before Kayleigh and I go to MI (in 15 days)

I also ordered Baraitric vitamins the other day. I ordered Vitamins, iron (like I need iron with my constipation problem lately... sorry if TMI), B12 for under the tounge and Calcium. Of coused, after I took the first calcium I read the label and saw it includes vitamin K. This is what you are given to clot better. Probably won't go to well with my blood thinners and clottong problem. I am going to make an appt with my PCP on Tuesday (hopefully) for an ear issue, I will ask her about it then.

Oh yeah... did I mention that when I told Ron about the MP3 player he said, "That'll be your birthday present (Nov 10). Yippie.... I was planning on using my own account to pay for it. That's $50 more I can use at the casino when I go in MI or Canada ;))) Pai gow poker here I come....

My apologies

2008-10-09T11:34:00.002-06:00

To anyone I have my new posts sent automatically to: I was playing around last night, tring to set up a slideshow of my pictures. A couple of times it went in as a post (which triggered an email to you) One of them was a download for a virus scan than doesn't want to leave the screen, and locks up the computer (or really slows it down). I apologize for that. It doens not appear to have done any real damage though (happily.. I would feel terrible if I messed up someones system)

julie

great news

2008-10-07T10:16:00.002-06:00

Today I am at 50 pounds!!!!! I am so pleased with myself. Also...did I mention I am pretty sure my belly is all better? Heather (my nurse) used something called Silvasorb on it. It is some sort of silver in a petroleum like base. It has worked miracles on me. All the drainage is gone. Yayyyyyy. We are going to go a week with out the silvasorb and make sure it is done.

More Thursday...

My new goal

2008-10-02T10:30:00.001-06:00

I went to Lane Bryant yesterday to get a couple new bras. The one I was wearing was wayyyyy too big. The ones I bought are 6 inches smaller (granted, the one I had was really old and streched out. It never really fit all that well.) Now the girls are up where they are supposed to be!!! Anyway, I was looking through the 50% off rack and absolutley fell in love with a pair of jeans. (see pic down below) they are 3 sizes smaller than what I am wearing now. I have 90 days to return them. I have decided if I am not in them by Christmas, they are going back. I compared them to the jeans I am wearing now, and there is a massive size difference!!! My nurse, Heather, told me last night that by Christmas those jeans are going to be too big on me. Gee, I hope she's right.

I asked Ron the other night if he sees any change in me. Other than in pictures of my ass-end I don't see any. He said "well...when you start working out and firm up a bit..." I'll take that as a no ;O What the heck does he think I have been doing 3 times a week?? I was telling the ladies at the pool about it, and they were like "Oh, yeah, I can see it. Even your face is thinner than it was" One of the women there tells me every time she sees me how she can see me losing weight, and she didn't even know about the band!!! I just love my new gym friends. They are the nicest, most friendly and helpful group of women.

Well, I am at 48 pounds now. Hopefully I will be posting 50 pounds next week! I hope to be posting a pic in my new jeans soon too ;)))

a non band message

2008-10-02T10:07:00.000-06:00

My old friend from Michigan, Renee called me yesterday to tell me her dad had passed away. Even though we had kinda lost touch the last 10 years or so, I still feel bad for her, and wish I could be there for her. Kayleigh and I are not going back to Mi for 3 weeks, though.

This really got me thinking about my own dad. I think how glad I am he was able to see me get married (even though I can't look at my wedding pictures...they make me cry. He was already on oxygen, in a wheelchair and had that deer in the headlights look in the pictures) I think how sad I am that he never got to meet Kayleigh, or even know about her. He has a wonderful, amazing little grandaughter.

I didn't always treat him as well as I could or should have. I remember after his heart attack him telling me he wanted so badly for me to lose weight, because he didn't want me to go through what he was going through. I'm doing it now dad....

For everyone out there who is lucky enough to still have their parents, I want to say please treat them with kindness and patience (especially when they are exasperating, or just plain piss you off) you never know when they'll be gone.

Now that I am crying all over the computer, will say bye for now.

Til next time ....

new pics

2008-09-20T20:18:00.000-06:00

I added a new set of pics. I really don't see much difference (OK, maybe a tiny, slight bit in the backside...or am I just imagining it??) Today I noticed that my legs are getting really saggy. Soon I am going to have 2 kneecaps ;O

I took my measurments the other day, since I know that with the exercise I may show inch loss but no weight loss. I will update when that changes.

Tata till next time...

I've been sick

2008-09-20T11:02:00.000-06:00

I have some sort of stomach virus. While it is a good way to lose weight (I've lost 5 pounds in 3 days) I would not recommend it!! It might be worth it, if I didn't know I will "find" that weight again as soon as I start eating. I am so paranoid about throwing up with the band, at least I didn't do that!!! My nurse came out yesterday, and told me if I wasn't able to drink water or keep it in for the next couple days I should go to the ER. It is really easy to get dehydrated here in Denver. I am hoping I am over the worst of it.

I was only able to get to the gym once last week ;(( I had to take my MIL to the doctors on Monday, I went on Wed, then was sick on Fri. It probably wouldn't have mattered on Friday anyway, they closed the pool to the public. There has been a lot on the news about kids almost drowning in the pool due to lifeguards inefficency, so they had to do some more training. Makes me want to take Kayleigh there for swimming lesons...Not!!!

Right now, I am just looking at getting better and getting back to the gym. More later...

A moment of clarity..

2008-09-15T17:09:00.000-06:00

First off... I want to give a big "hi" to all those out there in cyberspace reading my blog. I appreciate all my friends...virtual and otherwise. And Diz, my friend...you can call me Jules, or anything you want!!!

I just wanted to say I had an Aha! moment the other day. I was out to dinner with one of the moms from one of my "older moms" groups. It was just the two of us, so I told her about being banded. I am not hiding it...but I am not advertising it either.

Anyway, we were talking about how much weight I had lost and she asked me how much I waned to lose she asked "about 100?" Bless her heart. I told her, "No, more like 200) She said "You are almost a quarter there!!!" That was a major moment for me, since I have been looking at how far I have to go, instead of how far I have been. Don't get me wrong... I am proud of how much I have lost already... I know that is a great accomplishment. It just that I look at my ticker and see how much I still need to lose and it is a bit discouraging!!! It took that small comment to change it from glass half empty to glass half full!!

More soon...

I need a 12 step program..

2008-09-11T12:22:00.000-06:00

...for scale addiction.

I can not go to the bathroom with out weighing myself afterwards. My friend Melissa (who is just having awesome results, by the way) Had her husband hide her scale. I am just not ready to go cold turkey.

Perhaps in a month or two...

Looking forward to 50 pounds

2008-09-11T11:42:00.000-06:00

As you can see, I finally passed that pesky 40 pound mark. Now I am aiming for 50 pounds. Kayleigh and I are going to MI 6 weeks from today, and I really want to be down a total of 60 or more by then. I know that is somewhat ambitious, since with the band you are supposed to lose 1-2 a week. I figure if I keep up my swimming (which, by the way..I love) I will hopefully come close.

I was at the gym the other day, and there were a couple of older women in the dressing room with me. As they walked out I noticed one of the women had massive extra skin. I really wanted to ask her about it, but didn't want to be rude. Finally I just went up to her and asked her if she had lost a lot of weight. She told me she had lost 240lbs!!! It was so nice to have someone to talk to about weight loss (she had gastric bypass) She gave me some good advice about eating and exercising. Ater aerobics I was telling her it was our wedding anniversary the next day (8 years!!!) and we were going out to dinner. I told her I didn't know where we should go, and she suggested Olive Garden. That's where we went. I had half a bowl of soup, one bread stick (I used to eat a basket...or two!!!) and a little less than half of my stuffed chicken Marsalla. It was so good!!! I boxed up the rest of the chicken, and all the way home my mouth was watering...I wanted to finish it so badly. (For those non-lapbanders this is considered "head hunger"... wanting to eat when you are not hungry)

I tried to finish the chicken yesterday for breakfast...what a mistake. First thing in the morning my band seems to be a bit tighter. The chicken stuck...badly. I was in pain (you would be too, if you had an elephant sitting on your chest ) I slimed (brought up frothy fluid) I PB'd (productive burp... lets just say you revisit what you just ate), and still it hurt. So.... back to liquids for me yesterday!!!

I was a bit bummed the other day. I have a pair of jeans I was wearing before surgery, I tried them on, expecting them to be loose. They were not!!! They are the strechy kind of material, and when I used to put them on after being freshly washed they were quite tight (sometimes I had to lay down to zip them) and within an hour or so they would get looser. They weren't tight at all when I put them on fresh out of the dryer, so I guess they were a bit looser than before. I guess I just wanted them to fall off me!!! I just can't wait to have to buy new clothes. We went thrift shoping the other day, and I bought myself a couple of smaller tops... I just can't wait to fit into them!!!

My day will come soon.....

I am tired!!!

2008-09-03T16:42:00.000-06:00

I have been waiting for my wound to heal before going swimming, but I fianlly figured Screw it...I'm going! I have been using the film type tape that they were using to hold on my wound vac (I kept it when the vac was returned...it irritates my skin a lot less than anything else ) I figured it would be airtight, since it is in the shower.

I dropped Kayleigh off at preschool at 12:30. It took me 10 minutes to get to the rec center. I went in, paid my $7, and asked if they had water arobics classes. Would you beleive they had one from 1:15 to 2:15?? I got dressed and went into the big pool. It is really nice. It has a zero depth pool, a couple of water slides and this circular area around the slides where the water is kind of a whirlpool (you know--like when you were a kid and would go round and round a pool, staying near the sides?? Soon the water would be pushing you along) Anyway, the water is really strong like that. I think they call it a water walking river. I went around that 3 times, and when I went to get out my legs were rubbery.

After that I went into the other pool area (the lap pool area) I swam a few laps, then the class started. It was great. It was a hour long class, when it was over and I went to get out my legs felt like I had a 20 pound weight on each ankle!!! I went into the hot tub/whirlpool for a few minutes then went and got dressed. I was able to go back to the school and pick up Kayleigh with time to spare.

I am soooo excited about the exercise I did today. I plan on going at least 2x a week. It just works out perfectly, with the classes Mon/Wed at the perfect time for me to attend.

Once I get in a bit better shape, they have a huge workout center with all state of the art equipment as well as a running track and a climbing wall. I think I will stick with swimming for now, though ;)))

Tomorrow is weigh in day,so more tomorrow...