Julie's Journey

Monday, January 4, 2010

Late night thoughts

First off..... sorry I have been gone so long. It has been another Holiday Season and New Year, hope everyones was great. Kayleigh and I spent some time at my grandparents in Michigan last month, so I am still trying to lose the weight I gained there (about 14 pounds..... I have lost some of it..... still up 7 pounds over my lowest weight)

I have come to the sad, difficult realization that I have to start exercising. EVERY DAY. I need to do this if I want to lose any more weight (which I really, trully do) I have exercised on and off for the last year and a half (and done fairly well, weight loss wise) But it is time to get serious and get moving!!!!!

It is 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I am full of regrets.

I know we are all on the same boat, we are on this weight loss journey no matter how we got here. I just can't help feeling somewhat envious of the girls that gained weight later in life. They know what it is like to be "normal".

I have never been "normal" (whatever that is) I didn't date growing up. I didn't go to my homecoming dance, or my prom. I was never asked out to the movies or roller skating. I was the "fat girl". I was the "friend". I was the girl the guys wanted to be friends with, but never date. The one they would tell there innermost secrets to, but heaven forbid anyone think they were romantically linked in any way.

I was OK with this (well...as OK as you can be when your whole self image is being warped by other people) I really didn't mind it. I was the girl with the cute, perky, T-H-I-N sister all the guys had crushes on. I trully did not mind this. It was just a fact of life, like knowing that the sun was going to rise in the morning. I know this was not something that my sister sought out. I never blamed her, or resented her (and still don't) I knew my sister was the only one who unconditionally loved me. Not my parents, not my grandparents. Just Sheila.

There were many guys who befriended me, only to tell me soon after they had a crush on Sheila. There was one guy who was different (or so I thought at the time) I thought we were friends. I thought he liked me for me. I'll call him Steve.... Steve Kowalik (mainly because that is his real name...the jerk) Steve and I met through a mutual friend, Kelly. Steve and I were inseperable. We went bowling together 3 times a day, we went out to eat, we played board games, we talked on the phone constantly. I remember one day he called me so many times (and every time my phone rang I had to race through the house to my bedroom) that I half jokingly told him "the next time this phone rings it better not be you". After a while Steve told me he had a crush on my sister. I didn't mind, because he was my friend. He even dated one of Sheila's friends, that was OK too, because we were friends. I can honestly say I never saw him as anything more.

Obviously he did not see things the same way.

Flash forward 20 years. I hadn't seen Steve for ages. He kept in touch for a couple of years, calling me out of the blue occasionally. He had gotten married. We met up one day at karaoke and talked. It was nice to see an old friend. Then last year Kelly passed away. I decided to give Steve a call and let him know. I looked him up in the phone book, he was listed. There were a lot of people with the same name, but he and his wife each had a listing with the same phone number. I knew it was him. I gave him a call and introduced myself. I said "We haven't talked in years, this is Julie ******" His reply??? "Oh yeah, you're Sheila's sister and Kelly Brown's friend" WTF!!????? Sheila's sister???? Kelly's friend?????


I really don't know why this bugged me so (and obviously still does). I am so past that time in my life. I am happily married and have a beautiful little girl. Do I have regrets?? Yes.... but don't we all???

I regret that I allowed my mother to warp me so emotionally.
I regret that I could not see the things she told me were untrue.
I regret all those missed parties, dances, concerts and dates.
I regret the fact that I was nearly 30 before I was able to see I was worthy of being loved.
I regret that when I look in the mirror all I see is a fat girl, even after nearly 100 pounds lost.

And, I know it's silly after all these years, but I regret feeling stupid for thinking Steve and I were friends.


Blogger Gen said...

Julie, this breaks my heart. You deserve only good things - including feeling good about yourself.

As for Steve...That is really crappy of him. I wonder if he just always thought of you and your sister and mutual friend as a unit in his memory. Like if your sister had called, would he have said "Oh yeah, you're Julie's sister"? Either way, it was obviously hurtful, and I am so sorry to hear you feel that way.

You are doing great and will continue to do great. You have a loving husband and daughter and friends. It is your turn to be the girl at the prom, and you will get there!

January 21, 2010 at 6:46 AM  

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