Julie's Journey

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

It's over

We got the call about 3 hours ago. my MIL has passed away. I really feel torn about this, she has been since a thorn in my side for so many years, yet I feel sad that she is gone.

All I can say is that her pain is over now.

Rest in peace, Judy.

Friday, January 22, 2010

been quite stressed

Well..... let's see.

In the last 2 weeks my MIL has been put in hospice, my grandfather, grandmother, sister and mom have all been in the hospital, and my husband has had surgery, not to mention I have had to have Kayleigh at the E.R. for the ear infections from Hell. It has been quite crazy for me.

This all started about 2 weeks ago when Judy (the MIL) was calling for us at 3AM. She was too week to get off the toilet. I had to pretty much carry her back to bed. I offered to call 911 after that, but she said no. This in itself told me there was a major problem, since she has gone to the E.R. (by ambulance) every 6 moths or so for the past 6 years. She loved being admitted, they never found anything wrong..... except for that last visit where she was diagnosed with her lung cancer.

Anyway, the same morning this happened with Judy my grandma had the same type issue with my grandfather. She had to call 911 for him when he couldn't get off the toilet. He was admitted to the hospital with a "small case of pneumonia".

2 days later Judy decided she needed to go to the hospital. She said she couldn't get to the car, so I had to call 911. I followed her up there, she was in the E.R for a long time. They did an MRI of her brain and said she had 20-30 spots of cancer on her brain. They admitted her and said her oncologist would be up the next day.

Meanwhile...... 1,300 miles away........

My sister and my grandmother went to visit my grandpa at the hospital. They went out for dinner afterwards and within a couple of hours they were both sick. Sheila ended having to call 911 for them. She spent the night in the E.R. and grandma spent about 2 days in the hospital.

In the meantime the oncologist told Judy he would check into more brain radiation, but even with it she would only have 6-12 weeks. He ordered a MRI of her back/abdomen, since she was complaining she had been falling a lot and was having pain from that. They did the MRI and the cancer was everywhere.... the base of her brain, her spine, shoulders, pelvis, tailbone. He told her they could not treat it and she had about 2 weeks.

That same day I brought Ron home from the hospital after having a hernia repair (outpatient).
That night Kayleigh started crying hysterically about her ear hurting. I ended up taking her to the E.R (this was her 4th infection since November 3rd) She ended up getting 2 antibiotic shots, and I had to bring her back the next 2 nights for 2 more shots each day.

Judy went to hospice, where she was doing as well as could be expected.

A week after Kayleighs last shot she got another infection (by this time I had already taken her to the pediatric ENT..... she did not have an infection at this time) So, now she is on her 5th antibiotic in a little over 2 months. We have started over in the drugs she is taking.

My brother in law, Steve came to stay with us to spend some time with Judy, though she is so out of it now she does not even know anyone is here. They told us on Monday that she had 2-3 days left. It is Friday and she is still around.

Again..... across the country.....

My grandfather was sent to a nursing home. My sister and my cousin have been trading time staying with grandma. My sister took my mom to the pulmonologist yesterday for a bad bronchitis which wouldn't go away. They were sent directly to the E.R. and mom was admitted.

I just want to go home and see my family.

When Judy does go we are taking her back to Ohio for a showing and a funeral (her choice) this is going to cost us around $6,000. No one is going to help us, it will come right out of our pocket.

Judy just won't die. (please don't judge me for saying this... it is inevitable, she is in pain even though she is really drugged up. She will not get better, but is holding on.) I just want this whole thing to be over.

Feeling stressed........

Monday, January 4, 2010

Late night thoughts

First off..... sorry I have been gone so long. It has been another Holiday Season and New Year, hope everyones was great. Kayleigh and I spent some time at my grandparents in Michigan last month, so I am still trying to lose the weight I gained there (about 14 pounds..... I have lost some of it..... still up 7 pounds over my lowest weight)

I have come to the sad, difficult realization that I have to start exercising. EVERY DAY. I need to do this if I want to lose any more weight (which I really, trully do) I have exercised on and off for the last year and a half (and done fairly well, weight loss wise) But it is time to get serious and get moving!!!!!

It is 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I am full of regrets.

I know we are all on the same boat, we are on this weight loss journey no matter how we got here. I just can't help feeling somewhat envious of the girls that gained weight later in life. They know what it is like to be "normal".

I have never been "normal" (whatever that is) I didn't date growing up. I didn't go to my homecoming dance, or my prom. I was never asked out to the movies or roller skating. I was the "fat girl". I was the "friend". I was the girl the guys wanted to be friends with, but never date. The one they would tell there innermost secrets to, but heaven forbid anyone think they were romantically linked in any way.

I was OK with this (well...as OK as you can be when your whole self image is being warped by other people) I really didn't mind it. I was the girl with the cute, perky, T-H-I-N sister all the guys had crushes on. I trully did not mind this. It was just a fact of life, like knowing that the sun was going to rise in the morning. I know this was not something that my sister sought out. I never blamed her, or resented her (and still don't) I knew my sister was the only one who unconditionally loved me. Not my parents, not my grandparents. Just Sheila.

There were many guys who befriended me, only to tell me soon after they had a crush on Sheila. There was one guy who was different (or so I thought at the time) I thought we were friends. I thought he liked me for me. I'll call him Steve.... Steve Kowalik (mainly because that is his real name...the jerk) Steve and I met through a mutual friend, Kelly. Steve and I were inseperable. We went bowling together 3 times a day, we went out to eat, we played board games, we talked on the phone constantly. I remember one day he called me so many times (and every time my phone rang I had to race through the house to my bedroom) that I half jokingly told him "the next time this phone rings it better not be you". After a while Steve told me he had a crush on my sister. I didn't mind, because he was my friend. He even dated one of Sheila's friends, that was OK too, because we were friends. I can honestly say I never saw him as anything more.

Obviously he did not see things the same way.

Flash forward 20 years. I hadn't seen Steve for ages. He kept in touch for a couple of years, calling me out of the blue occasionally. He had gotten married. We met up one day at karaoke and talked. It was nice to see an old friend. Then last year Kelly passed away. I decided to give Steve a call and let him know. I looked him up in the phone book, he was listed. There were a lot of people with the same name, but he and his wife each had a listing with the same phone number. I knew it was him. I gave him a call and introduced myself. I said "We haven't talked in years, this is Julie ******" His reply??? "Oh yeah, you're Sheila's sister and Kelly Brown's friend" WTF!!????? Sheila's sister???? Kelly's friend?????


I really don't know why this bugged me so (and obviously still does). I am so past that time in my life. I am happily married and have a beautiful little girl. Do I have regrets?? Yes.... but don't we all???

I regret that I allowed my mother to warp me so emotionally.
I regret that I could not see the things she told me were untrue.
I regret all those missed parties, dances, concerts and dates.
I regret the fact that I was nearly 30 before I was able to see I was worthy of being loved.
I regret that when I look in the mirror all I see is a fat girl, even after nearly 100 pounds lost.

And, I know it's silly after all these years, but I regret feeling stupid for thinking Steve and I were friends.